The Joke Thread

[aero_storm]

Bottom.

-2>Ha Ha.

[aero_storm]

Waited for a thread to post my 100th post, so I thought I would make it relevevant to robots. Ha Ha.

Alex (for the 100th time)

[malivoirec]

Congratulations Alex.

Here is a website that use visual jokes. I have laughed at every single one of them.

http://failblog.org/http://failblog.org/

[jenny]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
If youre going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, thats why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, youre not going to the shops with me.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT..
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.
7. My mother taught me IRONY
Keep crying, and Ill give you something to cry about..
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
Youll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, Ive told you a million times. Dont exaggerate!
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
You are going to get it when you get home!
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
If you dont stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; dont you think I know when you are cold?
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, dont come running to me.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
If you dont eat your vegetables, youll never grow up.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
Youre just like your father.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, youll understand.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
One day youll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Love you, mum!

[aero_storm]

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husbands attention, hed just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported Goony bird and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, Goony bird! The table!

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, Goony bird! The shelf!

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

Wow! said the wife, If this doesnt attract my husbands attention, nothing will! So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. Honey! she exclaimed, Ive got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, Goony Bird, my foot!

[aero_storm]

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

[beast]

2008s First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season Saint Peter said, You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells.

Saint Peter said You may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?


The man replied, These are Carols.

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[cliveb]

A duck walks into Swannys bar and says to Jenny;
got any bread?
no replies Jenny
got any bread?
no
got any bread?
no
got any bread?
no
got any bread?
no we havent!
got any bread?
ask me again and i will nail your beak to the bar you irritating bird.
got any nails?
no!
got any bread?

[anukhet]

[jenny]

+1>Holiday eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Its later than you think. Its Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, youre never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.