The Joke Thread

[razerdave]

Jim and Mick are on a building site, and have sat down to eat their sandwiches.

Jim gets out his sandwich, Mick asks Whats in it ?
Crab Paste says Jim.
Mind if I try some ? Asks Mick. Sure says Jim, passing the sandwich over.
Mick takes a bite, and instantly spits it back out. Thats disgusting, I thought you said that was crab paste ?
Jim says It is!
Mick asks where did you get it from ?
Jim says Boots the Chemist

[RogueTwoRobots]

Aww man! Thats gross

Dont wanna go and eat my sandwiches now!

[swanaldo]

terrorist are planning to put bombs into tins of alphabetty spaghetti........if they go off it could spell disaster

[beast]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santas elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, Merry Christmas, Santa. Isnt this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[liambryant]

Knock Knock
Whos There?
Ho Ho
Ho Ho who?
You got a cold Santa?

[RogueTwoRobots]

Haha John, did you get that story sent to you in an email? I got the exact same a couple of days ago. Not surprising its doing the rounds considering the time of year

[beast]

yeah lol

i get loads but there not fit for here!!!

[jenny]

Another Xmas joke.


Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the
lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesnt get mad if you break one of
its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when its past its
sell by date.
9. You dont have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

[cliveb]

A bloke went into a petrol station needing air in one of his tyres.He pulled up at the machine and went into the shop.
Can i have a token for the compressed air machine please?he asked the cashier.
£5.00 please came the reply
5.00 it used to be 10 pence
thats inflation for you

[cliveb]

It was entertainment night at the old folks home.Claude the hypnotist exclaimedI am here to put you into a trance,I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.I want each and every one of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch.Its a very special watch,its been in my family for 6 generations.He began to gently swing the watch back and forth while quietly chanting,watch the watch,watch the watch,watch the watchThe crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface.Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,until it suddenly slipped from the hypnotists finger and fell to the floor,shattering into a hundred pieces.CRAP said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old folks home