Team Gore Presents: ATTTWI

[steven_mcg]

Were talking about a geriatric squirrel here. So, yeah, good point.

[kodster]

I should have more insanity for you by Monday evening (or Tuesay depending on your time zone :P).

*snaps fingers; some guy in the audience is getting continuously beaten down by an invisible chicken*

...

[kodster]

*we resume fights as the random guy in the audience is taken to hospital with a broken funny bone*

Samus Aran vs. Sonic & Tails

House fighters are Hamlet and Cortez.

Battle of VG characters! On one side we have the bounty hunter Samus Aran, of Metroid fame. She stares around, recognizing the familiar arena that is Final Destination, where shes killed off the likes of the Hand duo and Giga Bowser, and smirks, readying a charge shot. On the other end of the arena are the infamous Sonic & Tails duo of Sega fame, looking around confusedly. Theyve never been here before, and inwardly curse the people who tried to make copy images showing that they were playable in Super Smash Bros. Melee but actually werent and that it was all a scam. Anyway the battle begins, and Sonic speeds towards Samus with Tails in behind. Samus blasts Sonic with a charge shot but Sonic deflects it due to the velocity and acceleration of his spinning. Samus dodges it but is bowled over by Sonic and is drop-kicked by Tails, and lands on the floor. Samus isnt impressed by this, and suddenly pulls out a spherical object that has a lightning bolt shaped on it. Its a Screw Attack, and it is hurled right into the spinning ball of fur that is our little blue hedgehog friend, and, rather than slowing him down, further increases his acceleration. Unfortunately for Sonic, the friction between his spinning self and the ground is too much, and the ground gives way to a circular hole, dropping the hedgehog through the stage and out.
Tails decides to take Samus down anyway, and hovers up above the bounty hunter, tossing bombs down. Samus rolls out of the way of these, and extends her grappling beam and snags the fox from out of the air, drawing him in. After a mere glance at the scared face of Tails, Samus flings him right at Cortez, and the pirate king proceeds to skewer the fox through the gut with his rapier.

Samus Aran advances to Round 2!

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13 vs. Hobbes

House fighters are Taki and Asterix.

The number 13 is everywhere, on jerseys, on milk cartons, on your clocks, even on your computer screen at home. Hobbes wanders about the arena with ridiculous schemes to try and rid the world of the number, each increasingly stupid than the last. Suddenly, a sheet of paper hits him in the head. He tears it off his face and looks at it. Its the number 13. Hobbes screams and eats it, chewing noisily. Suddenly it comes to him. He must make the number equal to 0. What does he do? He grabs a pen and paper, and writes down the number 13...unfortunately hes never taken a math class in his life, and has no idea what the hell to do. He counts his paws, his whiskers but still he cant figure out what to do. He writes down the number 13 again in frustration. Then he realizes what must be done. If he takes the number away, therell be nothing left. He takes an eraser and rubs it across the paper but remembers he used pen. Suddenly, he finally gets what he should be doing, and subtracts 13 from 13, and writes down 0. The 13 is defeated. Taki and Asterix look at each other and shrug, and then entertain the bored audience by performing a series of difficult acrobatics involvling a unicycle, a telephone, and a genetically mutated woodpecker/mole hybrid with hundreds of arms, resulting in the audience screaming and running away.

Hobbes advances to Round 2!

[kodster]

And I returneth with more insanity for ye! Dont worry, the hybrid is taken out. Mind you, it was rather smelly. (inside joke; if you happen to come across this forum and this exact message, Delrin, ignore it)

Evangelion Unit 01 vs. The Grim Reaper

House fighters are Tira and Ancalagon.

Grim cackles maniacally, feeling the edge of his scythe. He probably doesnt realize that he is being towered over by a huge hulking purple figure. Unit 01, after a moments slight hesitation, grips his lance and thrusts it right through Grims hood. Grim explodes in a mess of bones and Unit 01 smirks to himself. Unfortunately for Unit 01 Grim is Death: he is not alive or dead. So what meets the Evas eyes is a recollection of bones as the figure of Grim rises back up off the floor, reconstructed completely. Unit 01 does not show any emtion but immediately raises a foot and stomps down on Grim but Grim slashes the heel of Unit 01 as he passes. Normally a scythe wouldnt be able to penetrate the Evas tough armour which is everywhere, but seeing as this is Grims magic scythe, the blade juts into the fot and causes Unit 01 to recoil in pain. Grim rises up above the ground and plunges the scythe into Unit 01s head. The tip of the scythe goes into the head but suddenly becomes stuck. As Grim tries to pull it out, Unit 01 activates his AT field and Grim is incinerated in a fiery blast. Unit 01 grunts and turns away...
However the ashes of whats left of Grim join together, and again Grim has returned to fight, laughing at the Evas futile attempts to kill him. Unit 01, hearing a laugh, shoots his arm out and smacks Grim with his huge hand. Grim ducks underneath the blow and fires a beam from his scythe at the Evas head. Unit 01 suddenly starts to decompose, and collapses in a mess of dust and sand particles. A human figure lies on top of the mess, covered in yellow goop. At the sight of Grim he yells and runs away, but he only gets two strides before Tira sidesteps in front of him and decapitates him with a slice of her ring blade.

The Grim Reaper advances to Round 2!

----

Rose Tyler/TARDIS Deity vs. Slappy Squirrel

House fighters are Obelix and The Sickness.

Slappy Squirrel sticks her tongue out at Rose and yells at some guy whos above the stage on a ladder. Hes carrying a rather heavy object, possibly a grand piano from the shape of it. Rose grabs a conveniently-placed telephone and calls Doctor Who for advice. Unfortunately for Rose, if shes ever watched The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, she wouldve known that the phone was actually the phone of Cthulu that Grim left there last match, if anything went wrong. Immediately shes pulled through the phone and into an office with lots of monsters making prank calls. Technically shes not defeated so Slappy hasnt won this match yet. Slappy, however, has no idea what to do now. She waits for Rose to reappear, and after a grueling half hour snags the phone she saw Rose talking into and demands to speak to Rose. And of course she is pulled into the office too. Grim gets back into the audience and notices the phone there. He smacks his bony head.
Meanwhile, Slappy and Rose are fighting it out. However Slappy is losing this battle as Rose had been turned into a goopy monster with tentacles however Slappy managed to avoid them all. Then she calls her agent again, this time with a cellphone. The monsters scream and run away, and the agent appears walking on a ladder with steps except at the top, rather like stilts, and he drops an anvil on Rose. Unfortunately this is an ACME anvil, and it drops through Roses head, through the floor, and takes the entire office with it, including Slappy. Somehow through a random act of Thomas who has been brought back, Slappy manages to get back to the arena, however just as Rose is about to return through the phone, Grim throws his scythe from the audience and short-circuits it, and the phone sucks itself into an interdimension.

Slappy Squirrel advances to Round 2!

----

Link vs. A giant ball of enraged leopards

House fighters are Exa-Gore-Ic and Big Mac.

The Hylian Hero of Time readies his Master Sword and Hylian Shield, and braces for the impact as the spherical ball of furry claws and teeth rolls towards him. However Link knows he cant kill leopards, theyre one of the most endangered species on the earth, so he puts on his Pegasus Boots instead and runs around the leopards about 100 times before the felines even register what hes done. The furry sphere alters its course and goes in a different direction, right into Exa-Gore-Ic, who implodes the ball instantly. Link is horrified to find that the leopards are free from the ball and immediately leap at him. Link stops and puts on the Fierce Deity mask, becoming Oni Link, but the leopards reach him as soon as he puts on the mask. However this increases Links health, strength, and vitality almost infinitely, and the claws of the leopards hardly scratch him. The leopards back away, and, as one, hurl themselves right at Oni Link, but due to both the speed of the Pegasus Boots and the awesome power of the Feirce Deity mask, Oni Link is able to catch each of the leopards one by one and toss them off the stage. One of them however claws at the arena edge, catching it, and tackles Oni Link, catching his face. Link gasps as the Fierce Deity mask falls off his face and he returns to normal. The single feline then tackles him off his feet before he can speed off and slashes at his face. Link butts the cat hard in the face and launches it using both feet away from him and into the path of Big Mac. The leopard devours the house fighter whole, and suddenly, its feet turn into hardox statues. The new iron-alloy appendages weigh the cat down, which yowls in pain and fear, and Link suddenly feels sorry for it. Knowing that it cant be saved he puts the poor animal down using a vets needle.

Link advances to Round 2!

[steven_mcg]

Hooray for cartoon violence!

A.T.T.T.W.I.
ROUND 1
FIFI LAFUME VS Rocky Raccoon

A character from a Beatles song? Advantage: Steve-o. :wink:
According to Melissas description, the version of Rocky shes using is an actual raccoon - a perfect love target for the heir to Pepe LaPew. For this match, Fifi will use that massive tail of hers to ensnare Rocky like a fluffy boa constrictor. Once in her clutches, itll be a case of hugs and kisses to distract him while she slyly releases her trademark stink. One wiff and Rocky will be throwing in the towel in seconds.
If he somehow has found a way to block or disable her stink, tackle-hug him into the House Fighters and let them do the work.

[tacoman]

Master hands tactics:

Dive under the stage, grab one end and tip it up. Watch the Bicycles plung off into oblivion.

If that doesnt work, youve played SSBM, Kody, youve seen his mighty arsenal of attacks. Lets see the bicycles stand up to that.

... He he, I said arse.

[kodster]

Okay, more fights!

A hippopotamus vs. Diamond Sparkle Super Pretzel

House fighter is The Watcher.

The hippo charges at high speed but trips over the super pretzel and falls on its arse. The pretzel itself goes flying to the edge of the arena and wobbles a little on the edge. The hippo loses track of where the pretzel went to due to its incredibly abysmal eyesight and figures that its mutated into a statue, which is ironically The Watcher. Immediately, before the hippo gets thought of what to do, the house fighter lets out a cry from its three-vulture heads, and the other house fighters pounce. Its Ancalagon who makes the first move by ramming the hippo whiles the hippo confronts Ancalagon with a charge of his own. Unfortunately for the poor hippo, the dragons might is far too great to overcome physically and the hippo is jolted all the way to the opposite side of the arena as the pretzel. Asterix then suddenly realizes something and turns around to alert the other house fighters that this is a rare endangered hippo, the last of its kind. So of course the first thing is sees is Taki, Tira, and Hamlet dismantling the beast and lopping off its head. But what the hippo lacks in eyesight it greatly makes up for in IQ, for this hippo in particular was the smartest ever. Therefore it was able to make a dummy of itself in which the house fighters fell to spoil and have ripped apart, and once again searches for the pretzel. Then out of nowhere Ancalagon tackles the hippo in rage. The hippo lands on the pretzel with a thud. Normally this would not have mattered since the pretzel is made of diamonds but the hippos weight causes the pretzel to crumble from the inside, and it implodes into diamonds. Cortez grabs these and adds them to his secret hoard...under the arena.

A hippopotamus advances to Round 2!

----

And now we let the ferret Kiki out of prison to fight another Insane Clown Posse member.

Shaggy 2 Dope vs. Kiki

House fighters are Obelix and Ancalagon.

Shaggy runs over to the ferret and tries to stomp on her but shes too fast and is able to dodge the foot, which craters the ground around it. She then tries biting into the foot but Shaggy luckily placed on steel-toe boots and therefore poor Kikis teeth crumble. She whimpers and runs to the other end of the arena. Unfortunately thats where Ancalagon is, and he stomps down even harder, and Kiki squeals and runs around in circles. Shaggy laughs, taking out a pair of Uzis and blasting away. Luckily Kiki hid behind Obelix and Obelix is much kinder to animals than Ancalagon is. The bullets just bounce off of Obelixs enormous girth and Obelix gets angry. Shaggy isnt fazed but going over to the gargantuan gaul he lands a solid right fist at Obelixs face which never gets there due to the fact that Obelix stopped it. In swift motion Obelix breaks Shaggys arm and pounds him over the head with his menhir. Shaggy keels over but manages to stay conscious...for about 2 more seconds, as Ancalagon himself comes over and body slams the freak into the ground and torches himself completely. Just as soon as thats done, a bald worker with a moustache from that Looney Tunes episode comes into the arena with a can of cement and pours it over Shaggy, covering him, and then begins to pave it. Kiki, Obelix, and Ancalagon blink in confusion.

Kiki advances to Round 2!

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9,000,000 Bicycles vs. Master Hand

House fighters are Tira & Hamlet.

The bicycles swarm the arena and immediately stop. Suddenly there is an evil laugh, and a HUGE floating white glove comes down to meet them. Tira has heard of the tales of this evil being, and clenches her teeth, but Hamlet has not, and gives a laugh...and is toasted by some Bombshell Bills that Master Hand fires at him moments later. The bicycles cant do anything as Master Hand begins to smite them off the platform in broken pieces and flaming objects. Suddenly, Martijn stands up from the audience and says something that sounds like a spell in Dutch. Suddenly rocket-packs appear on the seats of the bicycles, and Master Hand recoils a bit. Suddenly for the third time...the bicycles rise into the air and charge Master Hand. Master Hand vanishes, appears in the background and punches off half of the remaining bicycles. But he loses about 200 health due to the charge. The bicycles turn about and charge again. Immediately, Master Hand summons his brother, Crazy Hand, who joins him in the battle, but Exa-Gore-Ic also appears and reminds Master Hand that he cant summon something of equal power or more powerful than him, and implodes Crazy Hand. Due to this distraction, the last of Master Hands health is drained but due to Master Hand nicking an Action Replay from a store, he gives himself 500 more health and 11 lives, because infinite would be way too overkill. The bicycles regroup and charge again but Master Hand rockets into them and blows them to smithereens in a single explosion connected with many smaller ones. Martijn scats away before the smell of burning rubber finds its way under his nose. Master Hand somehow is able to laugh, and suddenly snares Tira and vanishes. Lord DoomForAll vanishes as well to rescue her for reasons unknown and he and Master Hand have a huge interdimensional fight in which DoomForAll wins but lets Master Hand live for his next fight...

Master Hand advances to Round 2!

[kodster]

More fights up later .