Team Gore Presents: ATTTWI

**kodster** · 23rd February 2007, 20:18

Okay, I guess Ancalagon and Cortez werent cut out to be multi-trillionaires so lets begin the next set of fights. *gets furtive look from Alex* Uhh...well, it aint a few minutes, but theyre here. =P

Barry the mutant cuckoo clock vs. Stewie Griffin

House fighters are Obelix and Hamlet.

The evil toddler takes out his trusty carbonite gun and readies it. The cuckoo clock towers over him, looking increasingly more evil by the second and its pendulum rocks back and forth, sending out soundwaves of Stewies imminent doom. Stewie fires a beam of frozen carbonite at the clock but the beam just bounces off due to the extremely smooth vinyl finish on the wood, hitting a random audience member who just happens to be Tom Roper and freezes him in solid molecular compound. Stewie next takes out a rattle. It looks rather cute with bright blue and yellow, but Stewie takes the handle off and the audience realizes that its a grenade. He hurls it at the clock and it greets the clocks face with a gigantic explosion. Stewie takes out his carbonite gun again and again fires it at the clock, right into the cloud of smoke. Everyone can see another beam go sailing off into the distance. Stewie keeps his spherical eyes fixed on the translucent cloud of smoke, which slowly fades, and reveals the most horrifying cuckoo ever. Its feathers are damp and sticky as if they were crafted from mold that hasnt quite solidified yet, and its cruel-beaked head is gaping open with slime dripping out. Stewie grabs his milk bottles and uses them as a nunchaku to fend off the cuckoos attacks. Barry dives at Stewie, screeching shrilly, and Stewie sticks one of the milk-bottles right into the cuckoos mouth. The bottle clogs Barrys beak and he cant breathe. The cuckoo collapses from suffocation and Stewie freezes it in carbonite and showcases it in a museum years later. The clock itself is sold for 10p to a proud Welshman who plays the Banjo for a living.

Stewie Griffin advances to Round 2!

----

Full Metal Alchemist vs. Lordi

House fighter is The Watcher.

The Finnish band are ready. The Alchemist is also ready, and he fuses a Boeing 747 with a plothole, and hurls it at them. Normally this would have won it for the Alchemist but at the last second the object disappears. Frank Goacher comes on-stage and slaps the Alchemist with a rubber glove, and reminds him never to steal his plotholes again. The Full Metal Alchemist growls at Frank but leaves him alone due to the fact that Frank is the master of randomness and that the FMA isnt a match for him. The Alchemist turns back to Lordi and finds them rushing at him with their instruments. The Alchemist grins and opens up a sand pit underneath the ground which swallows the band up and a second later their bones are spit out. The Alchemist thanks the sandland predator that made his way to the arena to look for food, but knew that they wouldve run out of air anyway.

Full Metal Alchemist advances to Round 2!

----

LA cheerleader vs. Congealed milk

House fighters are The Sickness and Big Mac.

The teenage middle-school girl is slightly confused, as shes been brought here instead of an ER room; she was going to the ER room because shes been due on brain surgery ever since a year ago when they found out she got only 2 score on her IQ test. In fact she doesnt care; shes already performing a very cheesy tap-dance and waving wildly. Speaking of cheese, the bottle of congealed mlik just sits there until The Sickness swarms around it. A huge amount of radiation is given off, rumbling sounds are heard, and seconds later the bottle explodes to reveal a huge green cheese monster oozing with rotting cheddar. The cheerleader isnt listening; she has her back to the monstrousity and is trying to entertain the crowd by doing a dance to the British national anthem. Leo van Miert and Gary Cairns throw their lager cans at the girl, which hit her head and spin it around 180 degrees so that she is now face-to-face with the cheese monster. She tries to scream but since her heads been twisted half-way its pretty hard, and her neck snaps as she falls to the ground with a glassy expression. The barbaric hulkish monster grabs the girl and envelops her, sinking her into the depths of his cheesy skin and innards. the monster than pats its belly and goes to sleep.

The cheese monster which was once congealed milk advances to Round 2!

----

Rusty nail vs. Michael Jackson

House fighters are Taki and Exa-Gore-Ic.

MJ aint exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but he must be smarter than that idiot cheerleader who was here last time. He immediately goes into his dance for Thriller and the audience breaks into applause. The rusty nail isnt phased, though. It just sits there, looking forlorn. MJ is stunned, and several reporters come onstage and photograph the nail. No one has put up such an obstinate silence towards what is arguably the greatest song ever as this rusty nail has before, and this must surely be a big deal as MJ gets angry and stomps on the nail, and it seems that MJ is stupid because youre a downright nincompoop if you stomp on a nail, rather rusty, with its point up, WITH BARE FEET. MJ gets a huge pain in his foot, and jumps off of his fee, howling. The cut is made across a vein, and therefore MJ is unable to dance anymore. He tries suing the nail but the nail doesnt have anything to give, and counter-sues MJ for attacking an innocent object. MJ argues that he cut him, but the nail objects this because it was self-inflicted. So MJ loses millions of dollars and is reduced to living a homeless life, and is run over by a random dumptruck whiles the nail lays in his hundred-piece bedroom set with a martini and several good-looking women.

A rusty nail advances to Round 2!

Yes, Im saving the Doomforall/Thomas fight for one post only, because its going to be long.

**kodster** · 24th February 2007, 21:03

Well, heres the longest fight yet of the ATTTWI, and one that I have been itching to write for a long while.

Lord DoomForAll & ArchAngel of the Abyss vs. Thomas the Tank Engine and God

All house fighters are participating.

Four unearthly powers, each streaming uncontainable and unimaginable energy from every particle in their bodies, come forth to do battle.
On one side are Lord DoomForAll, the infinitesmal being of unlimited power, guile, telepathy, and wit, clutching smoothly his trusty rift staff, and his loyal servant and herald ArchAngel of the Abyss, as Alex says, an unkillable creature of ancient and dark magic, able to summon forth evil creatures of shadow. Their might remains unchallenged, and their black gazes stare out coldly at their apparent opponents.
At the other end is the anti-christ himself, Thomas the Tyrant Tank engine, his black, hellish powers unconquerable as of yet, the bold and wicked grin extending to the edges of his evil face, and the creator, God, untouchable by emotion, force, or trickery, wielding the might of uncountable powers known and unknown, and the stern look on his face tells his competitors that he is ready to bring them to judgement.
Its Thomas that makes the first move, calling forth innumberable demons and wicked creatures for his bidding. ArchAngel of the Abyss responds by summoning his shadow host. DoomForAll and God call out their own hosts, rift agents and angelic powers respectively. The hordes clash in an epic battle, quite possibly the most gigantic clash yet in the current universe, but it is only the beginning. Lord DoomForAll extends his rift staff, and suddenly takes an unusual aggressive stance, and blasts off at supersonic velocity, thrusting a rift armour-clad fist at the Creator, and it connects, however due to Gods unabsolute powers he was able to make clones of himself and so the Lord only destroys a carbon-copy of the original Creator. Thomas and ArchAngel react almost as instantly as Lord DoomForAll did and their unparalleled might channels through them viciously as they collide in epic fashion. ArchAngel extends his claw outwards and shears the face of the Anti-christ, however Thomas catches ArchAngel in an enormous blast of hell-fire. The eyes of ArchAngel burn red before he blows away the hell-fire as if it were nothing and, with a casual swish of his hand, encases the Anti-christ in a prism of dark energy, held tightly together by subatomic neurons drenched in evil, and slamming his hands together causes the prism to cave in on itself and implode in milliseconds, therefore annihalating Thomas. However, the spirit of the Anti-christ seeped out of the metallic body of Thomas before ArchAngel readied his deadly powers, and possessed the body of ArchAngel and shoved ArchAngels dark soul into the body of Thomas; therefore ArchAngel has been destroyed and the Anti-christ once again reassumes the form of Thomas the Tyrant Tank Engine, grinning sinisterly.
Whiles this was going on, Lord DoomForAll was dealing with the many Gods that were surrounding him. The Lord zipped around, shattering all the God copies upon impact due to his rift armour, however the real God has no ordinary form, he just is, he just exists, meaning he had only taken on the form of a tall, wise man in a toga. DoomForAll isnt impressed, and therefore orders God to show him his true form. Therefore the Creator does. Suddenly a great blasphemy of storms and disasters form around DoomForAll, a torrent of rain lashes him, tornado-force winds strike him, and many forms of nature indeed attack the Lord; however, treachery was afoot, and Thomas the Anti-christ backstabbed his fighting partner, and the earth awakened: lava poured forth, destroying countless forms of nature and dispelling the rain, great fumes of black smoke belched forth and thickened the air, and earthquakes toppled trees and shattered mountains. God was horrified, but even more so when he saw DoomForAll speed towards the clouds, through them and smite the Creator, a brilliantly bright orb of white light, and the glowing globe gave off a corona of energy before collapsing and sucking itself into the void.
Thomas grinned evilly, and awaited DoomForAlls return. Now it was between the two of them, and DoomForAll slowly descended onto the lava-soaked ground, the molten rock not harming the Lord at all. Both fighters looked up, as the battle between all the hordes was growing ever intense.
At that moment the house fighters threw themselves into the melee. Ancalagon burned down many angels and shadow spirits, and Exa-Gore-Ic removed many purposes, causing them to explode into nothingless. Taki, Tira, Hamlet, Asterix, Obelix, and Cortez slew many. Big Mac went into The Sickness and became a horrific mutant snadwich that devoured many of the demons and rift monsters without harm. The Watchers voice rose above all with a ear-splitting screech that sundered the tormented earth and more and more molten rock poured forth. Thomas and DoomForAll remained steady. Then Lord DoomForAll pressed his hands together, and spoke a few quiet words. Thomas was horrified to find that a shadow of ArchAngel of the Abyss started to form beside him, and then again took shape, colder and darker than ever. By now most of the hordes had been destroyed. Thomas charges forward with the might of Hades inside of him, but Lord DoomForAll met his charge with a blindingly-fast slash of his rift staff, and they turned. Thomas fell over, torn into two pieces, and the spirit of the anti-christ rose above him. Before the spirit could so much as move, Lord DoomForAll extended his hand, and turned it slowly. The anti-christ, without force of his own will or strength, began to slowly rotate on the spot. The hand of DoomForAll began to rapidly increase its spinning acceleration, and the anti-christ spun faster than ever. Then without warning, the spirit dislodged from itself in subatomic fragments, spiralling out of existance and joining the Creator in the void.
Lord DoomForAll glares into the distance, and turns his back on the scene, raising the rift-staff in the resulting applause that came from what was left of the audience as he makes his way towards his lurking place, wherever that may be.

Lord DoomForAll advances to Round 2!

...wow. Im amazed at my own writing.

**alex_holt** · 24th February 2007, 22:58

Yay! Excellent writing! Plus I beat the entire pantheon of one of the worlds biggest religeons! Horray for extreme blasphemy!

**steven_mcg** · 25th February 2007, 11:45

Why do I bother trying to make Thomas the good guy?

Still, one fantabulous fight, Kody!

**leorcc** · 25th February 2007, 14:09

We all know the evil that is Thomas the tank engine, there is no fooling us.

**kodster** · 1st March 2007, 17:51

ABK vs. Arael

House fighters are Ancalagon and Exa-Gore-Ic.

Before the fight, we see ABK and Arael alking in a locker room. They nod to each other, and turn and walk out of a tall building in Tokyo. This is rather unusual, as fighters arent really supposed to talk to each other before a fight. Theyre supposed to randomly appear there wtih absolutely no knowledge of each other...the narrator scratches his head while reading the script. Kody grabs a flamethrower and burns the narrator to a crisp before hiring a new narrator, and we get to the fight. ABK and Arael stare at each other blankly. The audience is booing and throwing trash at them, and Ancalagon breathes fire on them, roasting them. Exa-Gore-Ic then decides to get involved in the fight, and tackles ABK. ABK explodes...into paper-mache?! Exa-Gore-Ic tackles the other one, and Arael also explodes into paper-mache and Kody glares at the new narrator and burns him to a crisp as well. Meanwhile the real ABK and Arael are bounty hunting on the planet Venom, when suddenly the giant being called Andross (from the StarFox series of games) comes out of nowhere and swallows them whole. Arael, being an Angel, survives this but ABK is unable to withstand the onset and is torn to shreds by his own mind.

Arael advances to Round 2!

----

Bun-Bun vs. A squinting teacher

House fighters are Cortez and The Sickness.

The teacher fixes the ferret with its cold squint, but what the teacher doesnt know is that Bun-Bun, of course, has endured too many stares and rather inquisitve looks from on-goers nearby and so this doesnt affect it. The ferret jumps onto the teacher and tries to bite his hair off. The teacher screams and runs around in circles trying to dislodge the crazy rodent from his scalp but it is no good. Finally, after days of hopelessly jogging the French Riveria he falls to the ground dazed, and the ferret curls up in the teachers hair and goes to sleep. Cortez and The Sickness didnt care; they were too busy playing fooseball (dont ask me how a cloud of bacterium can play fooseball; he just can =P).

Bun-Bun advances to Round 2!

----

Solaria Crystalwing & Nightwing vs. Ozzy Osbourne

House fighters are Taki and Tira.

The wizard of Ozz is feeling good. Hes just smoked some dope and is living the life. It should be no problem to take care of these two. Solaria blinks at the gothic metalhead at the other end of the arena, and is rather disgusted. She walks over to him and smacks him upside the head. The crowd ooooooooooh!s at that, and Ozzys head turns about 90 degrees. He sets it straight again, and slaps Solaria back, right across the back of the head. She falls down, and the crowd laughs. Nightwing goes to slaughter some of the audience but the house fighters stop him, and Nightwing instead leaps at Ozzy and tries to take his head off. Ozzy dodges this, and turns to Solaria, who immediately throws a punch right into Ozzys head. Suddenly, Ozzys world goes psychadelic, and he believes himself to be at Ozzfest. He calls for a mic, and Taki throws it at his head but Ozzy catches it in his hand. Lord DoomForAll, in the audience, suddenly becomes rather interested in this fight as Ozzy suddenly obtains angelic and demonic powers for reasons unknown, maybe because hes Christian, maybe because hes a Goth, who knows? Anyway Ozzy himself doesnt know of this and begins to sing Crazy Train and the audience goes nuts...in a good way. Solaria has had enough of this and uses a floral beam on Ozzy but it has absolutely no effect. Ozzy then lets out a high-pitched chorus that rings throughout the arena and deafens everybody, except DoomForAll of course. A random Hammer Bro. in the audience suddenly throws a hammer in the arena and it lands on Ozzys toe. Ozzy howls in pain and Nightwing, however deaf, grabs the opportunity to rip out his vocal chords, while Solaria kicks him in the balls. Since his vocal chords were ripped out, Ozzy cant scream in huge pain, and his head explodes, leaving him a headless corpse. Solaria then proceeds to burn up any album by Ozzy Osbourne ever made.

Solaria Crystalwing & Nightwing advance to Round 2!

----

Dark Magician vs. A Wiimote

House fighters are Asterix and Obelix.

The Dark Magician looks around; he doesnt see his opponent anywhere. Then he espies a lone controller sitting on the floor. That must be the opponent. The duel monster doesnt scorn the thing but immediately sends out a dark wave of energy that hits the Wiimote and sends it flying to the edge. Suddenly the Magician gasps; the Wiimote rises up all on its own. One may ponder how this is logical, but the Dark Magician prepares to embue himself with power and put an end to the floating piece of machinery. Suddenly his arm jerks out, sending him off-balance and crashing to the floor. He raises himself off the ground, rubbing his head, but he barely has a moment to consider the situation before his arm twists around, sending him into a world of pain, and the Wiimote is still floating. The hand of the duel monsters twisted arm stares back into his face before releasing a great blast of dark energy, catapulting the Magician off his feet and off the stage, plummeting down and into the void. The audience is albeit confused, but finally understand the problem when Mario takes off his vanish cap and puts down the Wiimote.

A Wiimote advances to Round 2!

----

Kenshiro vs. Jeffrey Nothing

House fighters are Hamlet and Big Mac.

The muscle man known as Kenshiro walks forward to punch the vocalist of Mushroomhead into the next dimension. Unfortunately for him, Jeffrey Nothing has his tricks and trades, and so extends his finger. Pull his finger? What the? Kenshiro wonders about this, smirks, and grabs the finger and pulls it right off.
Suddenly a huge jet of yellow gas is emitted from the place where the finger was, and clouds of the stuff cover the arena. Its laughing gas, and Kenshiro falls to the ground, laughing insanely. The audience falls about roaring with unidentified mirth, and Jeffrey Nothing is the only one who isnt affected because hes got a gas mask on. He goes over and kicks Kenshiro but the man muscles are too strong and its uneffective. Suddenly, Kenshiro jumps up and grabs the vocalist, still laughing maniacally, and squeezing the poor guy harder and harder, and suddenly there is a explosive crack as Jeffreys spine snaps like an adamantium beam, and the limp form of Jeffrey Nothing plops down defeated. The gas wears off about a minute later.

Kenshiro advances to Round 2!

----

A bobsleigh vs. Homer Simpson

House fighter is The Watcher.

The bobsleigh is stationary at one end of the arena, and the infamous Homer Simpson is drooling at the other. Homer isnt moving, hes in his own thoughts about donuts, being rich, donuts, women, donuts, food, donuts, and so on. The Watcher calls in Asterix to help with this, and the gaulish house fighter pushes the bobsleight into the girth of the donut-crazed glutton. This does absolutely nothing to Homer except draw his attention out of his cross-eyed state; hes still obsessed with food, but looks into the sleigh and finds Asterix sitting there. His face goes sad. Im hungry, utters Homer and Asterix out of kindness gives him a roast boar to eat. Homer devours it and his eyes turn into slots, one spins and produces WOO, and the other produces HOO. YUUUUUUUUUUUUM! yells Homer and spazzes out, running all over the place and startling the crowd with his speed. Asterix gets out of the way as Homer crashes into the sleigh, and demolishes it instantly. Unfortunately Homer was running too fast and he takes both the ruins of Martijns entrant and himself off the stage.

But Homer advances to Round 2!

Hopefully this will get you guys back in the spirit of things.

**pcbore** · 1st March 2007, 19:25

Bun-Bun is a rabbit, Kiki is the ferret :P

Other than that, good job

**kodster** · 1st March 2007, 21:15

%%% We interrupt this program to bring a late breaking news bulletin. The ferret known as Kiki has been arrested for impersonating the rabbit Bun-Bun, unfortunately for her its really obvious to tell apart a rabbit and a ferret. She is currently serving a 564367879693645611112 year sentence, and will only be let out to fight Shaggy 2 Dope, and others if she beats him... Its only fair. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming. %%%

**steven_mcg** · 1st March 2007, 21:27

More inspired lunacy, Mr K!

A.T.T.T.W.I.
ROUND 1
Rose Tyler/TARDIS deity VS SLAPPY SQUIRREL

Good luck erasing this fighter from the fabric of existance, Ms Tyler. Slappy Squirrel isnt just a cartoon character - shes an Animaniacs cartoon character. You couldnt get rid of her even if you wanted to. At least not permanantely. :wink:
For this fight, Slappy will start off with the old cross-dressing routine and disguise herself as Christopher Eccleston. When Rose/TARDIS deity fawns over him and attempts to recreate that kiss, Slappy will slyly slide some prune juice and a stick of TNT down her throat and hop to safety. If that doesnt work, a few deity-grade mallets and anvils served with some dry wit should do the trick. Call on the other Animaniacs if things start going poorly and try to chat up Captain Jack Harkness regardless of victory.

(Message edited by Steven_McG on March 01, 2007)