To the babe in arms:
That wasnt you she was talking to, it was her parrot.
As for the sight of your Mum kissing your bum, your poor old mum just needs new glasses..... and a bigger table.
Babe in arms last week? Seeing as most babes are born bald it comes as no suprise whatsoever that she was mistaken.
Lightly dusting your bum with talc? It would HAVE to have been lightly because there aint no cannister of talc big enough to cover an area the size of Derbyshire.

etc etc etc