It just had to be didnt it? :P
Well the Prof is forgetting coffee is hot so his little freezing stick is pretty useless. :wink: Im thinking of just bombarding him with the coffee cannon until the old vetran falls to his feet. After that I think Ill drop some cows on him and a few thousand tonnes of sugar.
Great stuff so far Alex.
Now, as fire rains from the sky, droughts plague the world of men, four combatant face the final leg of their epic battle, immense suffering and plenty of needless deaths have occurred thus far, but who, in this final battle of champions will get to claim responsibility for this carnage?
Professor Vengeance vs. The Wootinator
Two incredible warriors, between them enough force to destroy worlds, their mere presence in the same room causes crackling energy to leap between the two, this much might concentrated into a single space can only result in suffering for one. To the left, perched at the point of a great crag as the storm billows his impressive waterproof opera cape in the wind, stand professor vengeance, bolts of lightening silhouette his dark figure against the tempestuous sky, his face glowing with pallid green energy from the chaos emeralds at the tip of his cane.
Far below a small man sits drinking coffee from an endless flask, it fills his veins, glorious caffeine running through every fibre of his being granting him unparalleled physical power.
The power crackles from around them, arching into the earth - the two bodies not enough to contain the unparalleled might between them, and lightening strikes both to little effect, nature not strong enough to harm either of these Gods-among men. Vengeance whirls his right fist down, blasting a concussive beam of crimson light towards the small camp that the Wootinator has constructed, eternal fire washing down with unsurpassable fury. But Caffeine fills the very soul itself in the Wootinator, so concentrated in his bloodstream that his red blood cells have warped into coffee bean shapes. He is so full of caffeine that time moves at a millionth of its pace for him, but even more so coffee has penetrated his temporal lobe, and has actual made him so energetic it has forced his consciousness out of one set time, and thus the Wootinator has five minutes worth of precognition, added onto this super human speed and strength, and even before the devastating Chaos beam hits his camp, the power of the Wootinator powers him up the near vertical crag, he leaps with inhuman ability, his hands grasping onto every ledge, and before even Vengeance can counter this sudden burst of power, a sudden unexpected blow impacts into his cane sending the beam wide before the cane itself sails helplessly down in the crevasse.
Vengeance himself suddenly stands shocked, but then glares down at the younger lord, before with a melodramatic twist grasps a small vial of clear fluid from a pocket placed flat against the side innately pressed costume. Into the vial he drops a small blue spine, and with a sudden burst of azure smoke the potion turns a brilliant blue, and without pausing for thought he arcs the vial up into his mouth.
The Professor€™s skin glows with blue light for an instant, and then he launches himself at the Wootinator, and to his horror the Wootinator realises that Vengeance has aquired speed that matches his own. Vengeance suddenly roared a loud and blasted power from his hands, creating a vast sonic boom, the force of which hurled the Wootinator from the crag. He plummeted down so quickly even he couldn€™t keep up, but within an inch of the ground his form burst into brown coffee scented steam which dispersed and then reformed back atop the crag behind Vengeance. The Professor coiled like a panther, twisting towards the foe and erupting forth a techi-coloured beam of light from his hands even as a beam of thousand times espresso so black that it seemed to draw from the rift itself, light and darkness collided with unbelievable power, the beams widened, matching each other with enough force, and in the centre of these beams the fabric of worlds was torn asunder, and the rift began to creep in through the gaps, permeating the two sides, extending its tendrils. Even as this was so, both, being villains worked to break the deadlock. Each hurled towards their foe an item designed to end them, Vengeance threw a cup holding low quality Starbucks coffee, and Vengeance darts made from the quills of shadow the hedgehog. But the tendrils in the middle grasped out and caught both, and pulled them into itself, and as the rift melded with the two, before the feedback from this blasted the combatants backwards. Vengeance managed to return balance and however in the air, his coffee sodden cape billowing behind him, while the Coffee mist converged upon the ground once more to show the form of the Wootinator.
Where the beams had been meeting stood an abomination: both hedgehog and buck, both starry silver and shadowy black. It didn€™t escape either combatants notice that it was also fifty foot tall, and the crag crumbled beneath its titanic form, and the three ended up at the base of the hill. Before they could even react a barrage of shadowy spines shattered the chaos emeralds along the rift side of Vengeance€™s costume and a jet a watery Starbucks heavily diluted the Wootinators prize winning coffee.
Suddenly beams of brilliant silvery light jetted into both and they both felt their physical power being drawn into the monstrosity, they beast they had created was using them as living batteries, and Vengeance plummeted to the ground, powerless, screaming in agony even as the Wootinator€™s form shifted sporadically in and out of coffee form. The great resonating as the creature drained them was terrible, its muscles bulged and its strange sound had more than a hint of a laugh. The two most deadly villains in existence helpless, with all their former power in itself giving the monstrosity almost unending might.
Then a fourth voice boomed across the battlefield €˜Halt!€™. High above the darkness a figure hovered, wreathed in fire, it appeared as a scrawny boy in his late teens, he had scruffy hair, and a generally messy appearance, and was moderately tall at six foot one. It was what he held in his hands that caused the real attention however - for in them was a throbbing staff of blackness that radiated fear far more than the brilliant fire that surrounded him did. Lord Doomforall had come. The beast lunged at his, but the Lord merely raised a hand out and the beast was paralysed, fixed still in time. With surreal slowness and elegance, he merely smoothly lifted his hand upwards and with unimaginable telekinetic might the beast was hurled upwards through the atmosphere, but it continued to accelerate, far beyond the laws of physics should allow until it hurled through face as such velocities that its flesh was torn apart and the beast was obliterated entirely. The rift beast gone, Doomforall hurtled through the skies at supersonic speeds and soon crossed the horizon.
The two villains lay incapacitated from the floor, however the Wootinator finally appreciated the use in minions as several of Vengeance€™s robot scampered onto the battlefield and picked up the fallen lord, carrying him back to his base to recharge, where a third came and skewered the fallen Commander of Coffee through the head€¦.
Professor Vengeance advanced to the grand final
Still to come:
Cat vs. Golden Monkey
And the Final!
Cat vs. Golden Monkey
The adamant claws lash out of the soft pads of the cat, but the monkey has a trick up its metaphorical sleeves, since the tribal people began to worship it as a god it infact became a god, and thus it has some pretty nasty tricks up its sleeves. On the other hand the cat holds the spirit of the anti-christ in its depths, and thus is the living vessel of dread infernal forces. But the monkey is a tad smarter than the raging feline, and using its divine might, summons some heavy snow. This dampens the Hellish magic, for the simple reason that metaphor suggests that a snowflake doesn€™t suit hell very well, conversely of course a little known fact is that snow completely inhibits the use of hellish magic, and thus the anti-christ is calmed. Now just to deal with the cat itself, cats are cool suave and sophisticated, they are also evil minded killing machines. This does not bode well for the cat as with the power of a god the golden monkey summons four mismatching roller-skates onto each of the cats deadly feet, furthermore being on ice the cat falls around gracelessly, stripping another layer of its power, flaying it from the soul, then charging its fist with energy it becomes magnetic and rips the adamant from the cats skeleton, leaving the mog thoroughly enraged - reduced to the state it began the first tournament - which just about puts the two competitors on level pegging, but the monkey has one last chance as the kitten launches itself at the jugular, it uses its connections in the various global pantheons and summons a new aquaintence itself into the eternal nemesis of cats - a giant dogod, but not any dogod - this is a Dogod of rain, and thus the cat caterwalls as it hurtles like a speeding rocket from the stadium leaving the gleaming monkey to go into the final.
The Champion has fallen! Golden Monkey moves onto the final!
The Play Off:
Wootinator vs. Pussycat
And the Final
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE VS. THE GOLDEN MONKEY
And now as the final looms where stuff will happen for reasons only known to me, because I make it up and it doesn€™t really matter anyways. Random acts will happen to no particular effects, great people will fall over on the faces, and it will cause much mirth.
The Play Off:
Wootinator vs. Pussycat
Brief version: The cat beats Dr Robotnik in a deadly duel.
Full Version:
The Wootinator yells a great battle cry of €˜Woot!€™ and charges into battle, and, as promised, the first random event of the match occurs as he falls into a magic portal leading the land of the pixies where he saves a pixie queen from the gnome emporer, which he initially thinks is good before realising that pixies are hermaphroditic, and is therefore a bit sickened upon this discovery. He goes of adventuring for a few years, and is temporarily turned into a cod. This doesn€™t stay so for long however as he is caught in a magic fishing net and grants three wishes to a small boy who later becomes a prince, but meanwhile the Wootinator is turned back into his human(ish) form. This is actually quite superfluous to the plot, and is actually just filler material while I think of an actual plot. Anyways the Wootinator almost got married to the prince, but upon their wedding day he was stolen by the king of the harpies, and on the uneventful adventure to rescue to rescue his darling prince he fell into a portal leading back to three seconds before the whole story started, landing on top of himself. Meanwhile the cat had got bored as although it was still at the same point in time the cat has been contracted for the duration of the entire events, and therefore he set up a multi-billion dollar corporation selling limpets to squirrels. Of course the fact that the Wootinator arrived precisely three seconds before he fell into the portal is not the important thing - what is that the Wootinator arrived at 2000ft and a considerable speed, thus impacting heavily into his past self killing the pair of them, thus creating a paradox which results in the Wootinator being completely erased from existence. The cat lazes around for a bit chewing a squirrel sandwich. The Wootinator is erased from existence Robotnik therefore won his last round. Therefore came into the last four, where he was beaten in an epic battle with the cat involving a piano, a plate of marmalade and a three legged clown.
Robotnik is destroyed - Pussycat claims 3rd Place!
Now as we come to the conclusion: great amounts of time have been wasted, audiences have been mildly bored, and there have been lots of people graphically killed we reach the conclusion of this epic piece of rubbish.
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE VS. THE GOLDEN MONKEY
The monkey is quick off the mark, he was worked out a sure fire hit which makes his family love him-he€™s becoming a film producer - he films several hours worth of monkey dancing but puts individual frames of different combinations of people kissing to cover every possible audience, of course the film moves too fast to notice these frames and thus people find the film strangely watchable through the power of subliminal messaging despite all it seems to consist of is monkeys dancing.
This of course rakes in the money for the monkey and he winds all the Oscars, but this does actually have a point - a little known fact is that if anyone was ever to possess all the Oscars for a single year, they would gain the power of the golden man, and thus when he collects them, the monkey€™s golden related powers are amplified to a superhuman level. In its small paws appears a dagger of golden energy that glistens like the sun - it burns like a furnace and it whirls in a high arc. But Vengeance gets out his villainous press meeting at this point, and his cane lights up, for an instant, and then he blasts an emerald green beam of blazing energy towards his simian foe. The blazing sword, leeps forth fire, as golden light and simmering shadows clash in an epic confrontation, the two energies clashing with enough force to destroy worlds. This cannot be settled in real life though due the impracticalness of it all, we don€™t have a decent enough special effects budget to rebuild more than four universes per series, and therefore for the sake of continuality they both have mystic powers that enable them to battle on a psychic level. These powers have always been there throughout the tournament, they just haven€™t been used. If you disagree with me these big guys with heavy sticks standing behind me also agree with me. Anyways back on the psychic level, there is a lot of powerful effects which in summary approximately amount to a large €˜bang€™ theres lots of hurting and stuff at which will be summed up in a montage with the following scenes to some epic music.
Close up of each combatants eye looking angry
Some blow dodging each
The monkey deflecting a laser beam
Vengeance getting punched through a wall but then dodging to avoid a barrage of metal spikes
Both combatants happily hitting pi±atas
A clash of blades
The monkey leaping clear of an explosion
A high speed car chase involving giant lemmings
A gunfight on a cliff edge
A really quick cutting between facial expressions of anger and suffering
At the end of this neither are actually hurt in anyway, so we go into the interlude until I write the rest. So here, watch some dancing monkeys! Its surprisingly good!
*We conclude as the dancing monkeys faint from continuously dancing for about five days*
At the time both don€™t realise they€™re of and as the Professor is being massaged by a particularly muscular henchman while slurping a whisky and coke, while the golden monkey is sunbathing while slurping a banana juice. The battle commences once more, starting in the epic fashion of Vengeance hurling his drink in the eyes of the golden monkey. But the monkey slurps his own has a hidden agenda - for if anyone remembers Banana-man, he gains super powers from eating bananas, and thus in a direct copyright infringement the monkey gains yet more super powers, allowing him to be slightly stronger. He dashes with super-human speed and cracks Vengeances cane over his leg, and is blasted back hundreds of feet, as is his foe, by the raw force emitted from this singes the Professors near invulnerable cloak (and the magic involves turns various sections of it into, among other things, mozzarella, luminous fake leopard skin, copper and a rather irritable gerbil in a plastic ball. The monkey lands, its fur blackened but still smoking, and then the true depths of its plot is revealed. Vengeance stops suddenly as a generic delivery van appears beside him and hands him over a Segagamegear. He starts running it and there is a gmae in it (somehow functioning at next generation levels of power, but Vengeance doesn€™t notice this - it seems to combine all the best aspects that sell titles, its like all the best games rolled into one and ivolves killign celebrities, it just keeps on going. He barely looks away from the controller, which is exactly as the monkey desired, the cables penetrate the flesh of the megalomaniac, and drain his power from him. Suddenly he cannot support his existence in the astral plane, and his mind implodes, leaving him a babbling moron. The monkey was glad he hired the borg, and through an entirely unexplained plot twist he has taken the second series of the Wars Incarnate. Just as an extra note, our temporal technicians have found a bug whereby it seems that a competitor has erased himself from existence, but luckily we fixed it and thus the final rankings are as follows:
4th - The Wootinator
3rd - Cat
2nd - Professor Vengeance
1st - GOLDEN MONKEY
And thus we conclude this most long, pointless and silly tournament, I hope you enjoyed it more that I did writing it.
Thoughts? Comments? threats?
And another slice of randomness draws to a close. Bravo to Alex for one of the most original tournaments on the forum.
Now if youll excuse me, I have an appointment at Rutherglen Hospital. It seems a quick lobotomy is in order for next time... Oo Youll get yours, Monkey Boy, hear that?!
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