1) The Wootinator (stats if needed)
2) A coffee cup
3) Nescafe beans
4) A teabag
5) A pint of milk (in a glass bottle)
6) A sugar cube
7) A teapot
A brick wall (with magical ability to appear in front of anything that has drunk [was that proper English?] to much coffee)
Pluto vs. Gravity will be a good fight.
*winks at Alex*
Entries are now closed, cept for Ceri who has til tomorrow to put in his 5, or my choices go i nfor the ramiander of his squad
Oh am I allowed another 5? Ok.
Monty Pythons My brain hurts Gumby
Nintendos Mr Game and Watch.
My mates white mazda 323.
Mega Morg (RW - S7)
Red Dwarfs Mr Flibble.
Thankyou Ceri, Ill put those emtries int othe lineup, the Wars Incarnate has no heat structure for the simple reason that this tournament is more about the fights than the winning so giving me more freedom with the draws allows for much better entertainment, therefore Round 1:
1) Pussycat vs. Dog COMPLETED Winner: Pussycat
2) Mr Potato Head vs. Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs COMPLETED Winner: Gothmog
3) Clover vs. Jack the Ripper COMPLETED Winner: Clover
4) Dr Octopus vs. The Rock
5) The Sun vs. Coffee Cup
6) Spongebob Squarepants vs. Alphonse €˜Al€™ Capone
7) Morgoth vs. Ruf Ruf Dougle
9) An Old radio vs. Macbeth
10) Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Banana Hammock
11) Mara Jade Skywalker vs. A thunderstorm
12) Sarcasm vs. Anthrax
13) A pint of milk vs. The T-1000
14) Pikachu vs. The Number 8
15) Count Dracula vs. Glasgae Ned
16) Megaman X vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
17) Gollum vs. The Wootinator
1
19) A triceratops vs. Triple H
20) Bigfoot v. A random Dalek
21) Samus Aaran vs. Large Inflatable Purple cowboy hat
22) Malomyotismon vs. brick wall
23) Firestorm vs. (Insert extra entry from Ceri here)
24) A duck vs. Crash Bandicoot
25) (Insert Entry from Ceri here) vs. Electric Guitar
26) Darth Vadar vs. A white swan
27) T-800 vs. Hexadecimal
2
29) Cobra Commander vs. Funky Junkie
30) A hippopotamus vs. The Linear Launcher
31) Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. Spyro
32) Evil Dragonzord vs. a mars bar
33) The Red power ranger vs. Thomas the Tank Engine
34) Dick Dastardly and Muttly vs. Teabag
35) (Insert Entry from Ceri here) vs. Bouncy Castle
36) Starfire vs. T-X
37) Apocalypse vs. (Insert Entry from Ceri here)
3
39) Mars vs. Ringwraith
40) Seymour vs. Weginator Revilotion
41) Fryloch vs. Basket Ball
42) Kodiak vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
43) Nightmare vs. The Holy Bible
44) Gravity vs. teapot
45) Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. a bar of chocolate
46) (Insert Entry from Ceri here) vs. Homer Simpson
47) A Velociraptor vs. an electrical storm
4
49) Jaina Solo vs. A London Red Bus
50) Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor vs.
51) Kyp Durran vs. Golden Monkey
52) Sugar Cube vs. Intense Humming of Evil
So lets have a couple of fights beginning with The Rock vs. Dr Octopus
The house fighters for today are slammer and ramthrax.
The rock enters the area with his eyebrow raised, he can€™t see anyone that looks like an opponent, there€™s a slightly round middle aged guy down at the other end of the field sitting in what looks like a four posted gazebo from this distance, he must be some kind of judge, the Rock doesn€™t like fighting judges, they tend to get annoyed and tell his managers, he scans the rest of the ring and he sees a massive guy dressed like a wrestler, this must be the opponent he€™s looking for, at the minute he appears to be on the phone.
As the rock walks towards him giving his raised eyebrow look in an attempt to look tough he realizes that the guy was further away than he realized, this guy must be all of nine foot tall, and incredibly muscular, he might take a bit more taking down than he previously thought so he calls up his manager and gets him to bring some of the profs from his various films to the set. A man drives up in a limousine a few moments later and hands him a large metal bar, a shotgun and an ancient Egyptian sword. The rock raises his eyebrows in thanks and proceeds to attack slammer.
Slammer is on the phone chatting to Clover when suddenly the rock hits him around the head with a metal bar, unfortunately for the rock slammer is even tougher tan he looks and the metal bar snaps upon impact as does the sword which he attempts to stab him with, after unloading the shotgun only to have the pellets bounce off his biceps without leaving a mark the rock looks worried. Slammer picks up the rock with a single hand: €˜Can€™t you see I€™m busy, go fight your opponent!€™ he then hurls the rock who lands at the feet of Dr Octopus who was having a quick fag while waiting for his opponent to turn up.
Dr Octopus, having, unlike his adversary, a brain realizes that this must be the rock picks up the Rock in one of his mechanical arms but the arm begins to rust in the presence of the greasy man sweat that the wrestler exudes making the arm almost impossible to use, the Rock tries to do the peoples elbow on Dr Octopus but its very difficult to knock someone to the floor is they are supported by two gigantically strong metal arms to prevent him from falling over, even more so when two more identical arms are bludgeoning the rock even as he hits his elbow off the metal arms and gets in caught in one of the joints causing extreme pain for the Rock. Dr Octopus puts towels over the end of his pincers to extract the rock for the simple reason that he€™s recently run out of psychopathic killing arm lubricant and can€™t risk touching the sweaty man more than necessary. The rock struggles but just bruises himself further and Dr Octopus picks up the rock by one leg and signs him around a few times above his head before letting go who swings into the back of slammer and splats, the huge man only just noticing and doctors pronounce the Rock still alive after not finding any change in brain activity, although the lack of certain vital organs gives this theory its critics.
But Doctor Octopus Advances to Round 2!
Nest Up the Sun faces a cup of coffee!
The sun can€™t really decide what to make of its opponent, its smallest flare is a billion times the size of this minute object, the sun looks on cautiously and the cup fails to do anything at all, not even look defiantly like the fleshy things in that last fight, the sun is the biggest, hottest, heaviest, and generally most unkillable thing in the entire competition for the simple reason that with its vulnerability orb at its core it would require the next largest competitor to travel millions of times its own length at least without getting incinerated to reach it. The sun beams and then flares slightly to engulf the coffee.
However as everyone knows coffee gives things more energy, and the sun has never before experienced a caffeine rush and as it takes the coffee into itself it gets loads of energy, it can€™t keep still, its burning more brightly than ever and can€™t stop itself. Where can it get more of this wonderful produce, it looks towards earth and swallows the entire coffee content of that, unfortunately for the sun the excitement proves too much for it and the energy makes it go supernova wiping out half the solar system and drifting apart as billions upon billions of minute particles. However one object seems to be floating in amongst the debris in the void! Its an emptied mug of coffee!
Mug of Coffee Advances to Round 2!
This series we have onsite reality technicians who we don€™t have to wait for them to come in and build us a replacement solar system, and they are considerably cheaper than the last bunch too, plus we have them on contract, not that slammer was standing in the doorway behind them when we showed them it *looks around guiltily*, anyhow for our next fight:
Spongebob squarepants vs. Al Capone
Please note my knowledge of both of these is practically non existent so this is made up entirely.
House fighters Odysseus and Hector
The gangster is ready for the fight, he has a Tommy gun in one hand, a cigar in his mouth and a very expensive suit on his back his opponent is a sponge, Al€™s going to have someone shot for this, its very demeaning, but anyway at least he won€™t have to strain himself to get his suit ironed again. He riddles the sponge with bullets but this doesn€™t seem to do much to the pineapple dwelling being. Who walks and the bullets drop out of holes that had absorbed them, Al fires it in again but it doesn€™t seem to be stopping the walking sponge. Spongebob goes on the offensive but as everyone knows sponges are spongy so when he tries to grab onto Alphonse€™s head he bounces of again. Al gets his lackey€™s to run over Spongebob but again this does nothing so Alphonse gets the final solution, he grabs Spongebob and twists him , tying his legs together and does a strange version of the rack, twisting the comical creature on itself. However Spongebob retaliates by, screaming really loudly, Al finally sees what to do and rams his smoldering cigar into spongebobs eyes causing the sponge to scream more. Al then ties it too some weights and chucks him into the water which doesn€™t actually do much as Spongebob is now back under the sea but now unable to do anything other then scream for help as his face becomes encrusted with barnacles.
€˜Alphonse €˜Al€™ Capone advances to Round 2!
Moving swiftly on we now have perhaps one of the most improbably fights in the tournament:
Morgoth vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal
House fighters for today are Tengu and angel of the Abyss
The dark lord of middle earth, to which Sauron is a mere Lieutenant stares out across the blackened fields of middle earth that he has been blighting with dark sorcery, across them however something comes towards him it is small, woolly and generally very inoffensive looking, Morgoth begins to laugh hysterically, is this his forst round fight? Is there any point to it, he could destroy this tiny machine with the click of his fingers, yet it intrigues him and he watches it come, it approaches slowly over the ash filled ground, unable to get decent traction upon the destroyed soils. Morgoth contacts Ungoliant because it would appeal to her sense of humour too, the giant spider formed creature which sired Shelob scuttles over and bursts out laughing, €˜It€™s so cute, can we keep it?€™ Morgoth considers this a second, the short woolly thing doesn€™t appear to be able to do any harm other than to itself.
Morgoth scoops up the tiny little machine in his massive black gauntleted hand, ruff ruff dougal looks on, the robot weightless in the infinite strength of the Dark Lord of Middle earth. They head towards Morgoths palace of Angband where they give Ruff-ruff a little room to itself and watch it for a couple of hours and laugh before going to bed for the night. Having never watched robot wars Morgoth doesn€™t realize that Ruff Ruff never had a lock picking arm before. Also if Morgoth had watched robot wars he might have wondered about the fact that ruff ruff dougal was several tons overweight and might have checked it out, and in which case he would probably discovered the 100 megatonnes worth of hydrogen bombs that had been concealled beneath his fur that annihilated Angband, Ungoliant and Morgoth as the tiny little robot named Ruff Ruff dougal drove off into the sunrise.
Ruff Ruff Dougal Advances to Round 2!
Mr. Edward Hyde vs. Evil Green Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
House Fighters are Angel of the Abyss and Allanon
Contrary to popular belief The Evil Green Ranger isn€™t actually evil, that just on the television show, in real life he is a charitable fellow who campaigns against gun crime and homelessness, donating funds from his lucrative television contract to shelters and support scheme.
But what is also not usually known is that Mr. Edward Hyde is actually the nicer half of the twin being known as Jekyll and Hyde, unfortunately as the one who doesn€™t look like a monster the cruel and callous Dr Jekyll makes it out that the deformed Mr Hyde is in fact the monster while he goes around conning money from elderly women with his quack doctery.
Unfortunately neither know this and so they decide to beat the hell out of each other. The power ranger jumps in to do a high flying ninja kick upon the misshapen beast known as Mr. Hyde but he swings his vast fist towards the leaping lycra clad man and slams him into a brick wall, suddenly both are knocked down by the blast from the hydrogen bombs which just destroyed Angband about 2 minutes earlier and has just reached here.
Mr Hyde grabs the power ranger and slams him into a wall and the wall cracks beneath the body of the super powered teenager. But The green ranger isn€™t defeated so easily however and summons the mighty dragonzord machine, a giant dragon shaped robot type thing which in all likelihood consumed the steel output of a small country for several decades. The giant creature stamps upon Mr Hyde only to dent its foot and leave the man whose strength is created by a magic potion entirely unharmed. The Evil Green ranger decides to get his dragon to swallow I whole but just as the super strong man is about to be swallowed whole by the dragonzord the animators realize what tack they€™re producing for these lousy wages and go on strike, leaving the dragonzord poised in the air above Mr Hyde. The power ranger jumps down and lands on his feet with cat like grace but is beaten to a pulp with a hammer like blow to the ground by Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde is about to finish him off when he gets lynched by a mob of angry parents who complain that he is not only beating up someone who has doen great service to the community but also is setting a bad example to their children, My Hyde is left for dead in a ditch a few miles out of Milton Keynes (no one knows why Milton Keynes, its just one of those random occurrences).
Mighty Morphin€™ Evil Green Ranger Advances to Round 2!
Next Up, while we are hunting down those parents who disrupted the fight we have a more genteel but more horrific fight for you:
Macbeth vs. An Old Radio
House Fighters are Ramthrax and Achilles
Macbeth finds himself in a town, he doesn€™t know why but it seems to be oddly quiet, where is his adversary? What is a ray-dee-o anyhow? The Scottish king decides to search, he travels for several hours, investigating every house but the world seems lifeless, when suddenly he hears a strange noise. He draws his sword from the scabbard at his side and comforts himself with the fact that no man born of woman can kill him. He walks into a room where the sound was coming from, it€™s stopped now though, he walks a few steps in and suddenly the doors slams shut behind him. Strange noises begin to emerge from the radio and it gets louder and louder until Macbeth hears the unmistakable sound of his own demise. S Club 7 are playing, Macbeth fills his ears to try and block out the noise but the pitiful pop drivel seeps through his defenses, he knows that these are not the voices of ones born to a woman, no woman would ever own up to birthing the creators of this vile sound. S Club 7 becomes steps, steps become Daphne and Celeste and just when he could take no more it switches to Justin Timberlake to deliver the cruel and heartless coup de grace.
The town is almost silent now, everything is still, but in the background a deep and somber funeral march echoes through the ruins.
An Old Radio Advances to Round 2!
Tyrannosaurus Rex vs. Banana Hammock
House fighters are Slaying Mantis and Salamander
The t-rex isn€™t the fastest of beasts ever, but it€™s not stupid by any means so when it reads that its opponent is a banana hammock it doesn€™t know what to think. Is it a hammock made from bananas? Is it a hammock for bananas? Is it a hammock shaped like a banana? Is it some kind of innuendo designed purely to confuse the poor retiles minute brain? He can€™t quite decide so he goes to look it up in a dictionary at the library. At the end of the search he has come up with nothing and steps out the custom built reference library to have something drop onto his face, it covers his eyes and he can€™t see anything, its tightening around his throat and he still has no idea as to what his strange assailat is other than it seems to be fabric of some sort. The T-Rex runs out of breath and the banana hammock drops to the ground as the monstrous dinosaur drops dead through suffocation.
Banana Hammock Advances to Round 2!
After that short fight who knows what the future will hold for our contestants? Find out next fight which coincidentally is right now:
Mara Jade Skywalker vs. A thunderstorm
House Fighters are Black Panther and Scaramanga
Ms. Skywalker is a bit confused as to what to do here, she is an intelligent young woman and can see no feasible way that she is going to be able to defeat a malicious thunderstorm, however she creates a bubble of the force as a shield above her head, gets out her lightsaber and heads off into the storm.
Minutes pass and before she knows it she is completely enveloped in blackness as the thick clouds prevent the sun from beign seen. He puts her lightsaber onto extra bright and carries on, still only able to see a few feet around her. Suddenly she hears a soht with her keen jedi senses and she manages to deflect a golden bullet with her gleaming weapon, a curse from within the darkness as scaramangas one hit kill record is crushed by the jedi. Lightning bolts deflect off her force shield, Mara walks onwards, knowing that there is an assassin in the gloom ready to kill her if she gets the chance and with the rain pattering at her feet its difficult to pick out the sounds of a human. Suddenly a massive black creature detaches itself from the gloom and lunges at her only to be decapitated by a swing and skilled blow from her lightsaber. By sheer coincidence at that exact instant scaramanga fires another shot which ricochets off the lightsaber in the middle of its downwards stoke and on a billion to one chance goes up into the sky smashing the glass orb of the thunderstorm. Mara Jade continues to wonder what her opponent is up to although she has one.
Mara Jade Skywalker Advances to Round 2!
Sarcasm vs. Anthrax
House fighters are Darkstar and blizzard
Neither can comprehend the others existence, bacteria do not know of humour and sarcasm isn€™t macabre enough to acknowledge the existence of anthrax. They both drift around into the ether unable to even so much see their opponent, weeks pass and still nothing. The organizers had realized this would happen hence the choice of the two house fighters who are both immune to the fighters but also don€™t have time as such.
Suddenly a figure strides into the arena, she holds a gleaming sword in her hand and is surrounded by an aura of a powerful force, both sides see their chance. Spores of anthrax seep through the shield and so does the sarcasm, Mara Jade, insured until the next round by our super healers suddenly starts to feel bad, €˜Oh this is just great!€™ she yells out into the openness. The sarcasm fights the anthrax inside her body and Mara Jade wanders around dazed and suddenly stumbles into the area of Darkstar which unleashes thousands of volts into her body, sarcasm overrules the anthrax as the spores are fired inside her body. €˜That was real nice wasn€™t it!€™ The anthrax spores begin to die, the punishing blows of the sarcasm finishing it off.
Sarcasm Advances ot Round 2!
Next up, another battle between some of the greatest powers ever seen upon this earth, ladies and gentlemen I give you:
A pint of milk vs. The T-1000
House Fighters: Tengu and Nodachi
The T-1000 shifts its arms into horrendously long, cruel and overall very sharp fighting claws with a spine chilling slurping sound. It swings towards the milk bottle and smashes it right down the center spilling milk everywhere. Fight over, or is it?
Something is happening to the tip of the arm of the t-1000, instead of the gleaming silvery metal the end of assassin droids arm appears to be turning to cheese for some inexplicable reason.
Error messages flash up upon the viewing screen of the T-1000€™s motherboard, €˜essential lipid overload€™ €˜hyper emulsification in progress€™ and a dozen other entirely irrelevant messages flash up on the screen on the T-1000€™s eyes. Within a few minutes all is left is a killing machine shaped lump of cheese.
The audience look on bewildered and then as the remains of the terminator are analysed a theory is bought fourth; it seems that someone installed Macintosh on the terminator making its hardware useless. The terminator was only turning into cheese because Macintosh detected milk upon the arm, due to the stupidity of the operating system it reached the conclusion that it must be turning into cheese because milk turns into cheese. Therefore as the robot believed it was turning into cheese it did. No one seems to notice the shifty looking milkman escaping through the backdoor.
Bottle of Milk Advances to Round 2!
And now for today€™s final fight:
Pikachu vs. the Number 8
House fighters Nodachi and Blizzard
Pikachu is an idiot. It was determined in the tests that go before this competition upon each competitor that Pikachu has roughly the mental capabilities of an owl pellet. Although I€™ve heard that owl pellets have been complaining about the analogy. Anyway Pikachu cannot comprehend a number so vast that it is larger than 5, there are of course 5 pokemon in a squad (except Pikachu an idiot so he forgot about himself). This eight is frightening so he does whatever he does when he gets annoyed and unleashes a thousand of so volts into the surroundings, killing the last of a particularly rare species of bird which happened to be nesting nearby. The number eight does not show itself, suddenly pikachu shoots a thousand volts into the sky and knocks a passing blimp out of the sky which lands with a thud upon pikachu€™s head. Suddenly it all comes back to him, he€™s had amnesia since that arse Ash hit him on the head with the stupid pokeball. He turns round to see Ash and annihilates him with a blast of thunder leaving him nothing more than a pile of his name. Pikachu€™s name is infact Cornelius Thriftson and his IQ is infact in excess of 200. He remembers that uncle raichu left him a fortune and goes out and buys a fancy car which he cruises down the road with with a pair of designer shades on. Pikachu soon racks up millions in clever investment schemes and then as a half hearted way of finishing the fight writes 8-8=0 on a piece fo paper and advances to the next round.
Pikachu becomes today€™s last qualifier for round 2.
I hope you have enjoyed today€™s fights, or at least not been driven mad by them, more tomorrow probably.
Great stuff Mr. Holt
Against the 5th moon of Earth, MMX will kill Zero, causing Zero to come back from the dead again, opening a plot hole, then use the Gravity Well weapon from MMX3 to drop the moon into the plot hole
Pretty good stuff.
Against MMX, The 5th Moon of Earth will do whats its been doing for the last year or so and hide. It will suck in Franks plot-hole and give what left to the 3rd and 4th moons.
Bible calendar modem robot alarm clock waitor mobile phone.
Great fights! Unfortunate fate for the T1000 - I never liked Macintosh!
Woot! to Mr Capone
Wonderful stuff as ever there, Mr Holt.
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