Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

[alex_holt]

And after a random break I€™m back and on a massive high (for reasons of which some of you are aware) and therefore I€™ll conclude this round two in one massive blob of craziness.

A triceratops vs. A random Dalek
The dalek slides forward, propelled by the most advanced form of locomotion technology known to their race: the wheel. The triceratops is THE chosen one, and can dodge bullets, and seeks to destroy the computer overlords in whatever means it can, it has unparalleled speed and agility and it can warp the code of the matrix to its own means. However the appearance of the dalek mystifies it - why would the matrix choose to use something so obviously technology based, and fool could see it€™s a cyborg creations, more computer than living thing, but with much slower stair climbing than agent smith. It rams forward and spikes its horns through the front of the dalek, puncturing several canisters which to be honest were there for effect rather than actually doing anything. The dalek retaliates but the chosen one snaps off its feeble plunger, again another technological extreme of dalek technology. Its not looking well for the dalek until one fatal misjudgement leaves just the dalek in the room. Firstly the other arm did have a use - it was a laser, secondly lasers are light and therefore travel at the speed of light, but as the triceratops can see the code of the matrix it can dodge the laser blast, however, to dodge the blast it means moving in excess of the speed of light. The triceratops can do this, but he hadn€™t uploaded the particle physics papers into him and therefore was unaware that faster than light speed equates to time travel, and therefore the triceratops is surprised to find itself in the middle of a strange place which it doesn€™t recognise, it can see a massive throbbing orb of blackness in the crimson red sky above, and would have pondered what the hell was going on if he hadn€™t been slaughtered in the middle of a melee of angels, demons and shadow creatures a few moments later.

A random dalek advances to Round 3!

Samus Aaran vs. brick wall

The infamous space bounty hunter readies her charge beam, her scan visor picked up the wall collective before the fight and she is highly concerned, but she has a plan. The walls come in thick and fast, but Samus appears to be in her morph ball state. Unlike the huge digimon from round 1 she is now really small so the walls block each others passge to her, more and more pile in, until eventually suddenly all the ground collapses beneath all the walls and plunge to their crumbling - the reason? The stadium was built on top of the remains of the last one, which was truly obliterated by different events and with nothing to hold it up they all fall into the hole in the ground, just as Samus blasts herself clear which a mine.

Samus Aaran advances to Round 3!

White Mazda vs. A duck

An epic opera score drowns out across the lava sodden plains as these two darkest of foes face each other off, their figures infamous throughout all the worlds of men and feared for their merciless ferocity, the duck chews its cigar a few times and then spits it to the ground, knowing that it€™ll need all its focus. A look of intense concentration crosses its face. The mazda remains motionless. The car doors open slightly to threaten but the ducks wings match the movement, and both retreat, knowing that this dread fight will be too tough to call. The mazda remains still, motionless, and no expressions to predict how this tense fight will end, and fear seeps through the air. After several days of intense waiting and watching, keeping its stony vigilance, the duck grows impatient, and then realises that the cars batteries have been dead for about half an hour and quacks at a lousy end to the epic conflict.

A duck advances to round 3!

Electric Guitar vs. A white swan

Here comes the guitar, strumming its stuff up to the ring, and here comes the Sith swan, the dark, or possibly very light, representative of the evil order of the Sith. The crowd goes wild as the red lightsaber comes out, gently humming as the guitar gets ready to play. Today€™s wielder of the guitar is kali, who thanks to her multiple arms had a distinct advantage in the guitar playing film, and the recently resurrected ghost of Jimmy Hendrix goes off to cry in a corner at rhythms that take more than two arms to play. The swan is impressed and approaches kali and the guitar with a proposition. They form o rock band, which goes triple platinum world wide with their first album before fading into obscurity. The band later splits in an argument as to whether Tom Roper should be in this band, and years later the guitar is found broken on the floor of a seedy motel after a polish overdose.

A white swan advances to Round 3!

A mars bar vs. Mrs. Potato Head

The Mars corporation is out in force, reading to sue the ass off of anyone who dares defy their confectionary based empire of pain. This Mr€™s Potato head sounds dangerous, potatoes are a vegetable, ergo, they are healthy, ergo, they are evil, summarise the lawyers trying to vocabularies their complex thesis€™s in highly literate and complex manners, as they are lawyers, ergo, they need to talk crap as much as is possible. Mr€™s Potato head, comes into the arena, but the Mars corporation and their bar attack, literally burying their adversary in complex paperwork. Mr€™s Potato head screams as she can see nothing but lawyer jargon and legal forms, bills, invoices and miscellaneous pieces of paper using words with more than eight syllables. She pulls out her eyes and throws them clear. Mars then get their behinds sued to hell for causing harm to the public, but still win the fight as Mrs Potato head doesn€™t have time to compete in the next round as she is filling in paperwork permanently for the next sixty or so years.

The mars bar Advances to Round 3!

Still to come€¦.

Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
Apocalypse vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva

[tacoman]

Wait, didnt apocalypse lose?

[steven_mcg]

I dont remember, but GO RANDOM DALEK!

[alex_holt]

err.... actually i think it did, sorry bout that, ill fix it when im next writing this.

[alex_holt]

Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus


The hippopotamus charges at the funky junky, who is quietly giggling to himself in a corner and laughing at the lime green with scarlet pokadotted three legged elk with pink horns that he sees approaching him. The hippo slams into his chest, knocking him flying, but due to some twist of chance to make this fight slightly more interesting the junky has got high enough to take off, by inflating, he begins to drift clear but the hippo chomps into his leg causing him to whiz round like a puncturered balloon and eventually slam headfirst into the spectator stand and eventually look like someone€™s skin draped over the side. The crowd cheers. Except for the one sickened by the dead man ontop of them.

Hippopotamus goes through to round 3!

Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator

Dr Robotnik cackles menacingly, me realises that it€™s an entry which I can€™t remember about so decides to go sit in his sun lounger while hexadecimator, whatever it happens to be gets struck in a series of freak accidents involving a typhoon of baked bean tins.

Dr Ivo Robotnik goes through to round 3!

Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth

The fifth moon of earth tries for a repeat tactic, but Thomas is much smarter than Mega Man, he is the anti Christ after all and therefore has no qualms about playing dirty. As such Thomas smites all the telescopes on the earth capable of seeing the fifth moon of earth, meaning that the fifth moon has no coverage at all. Soon everyone actually forgets about the moon, which sits there up in space alone, with no one to talk to, trapped in eternal boredom. It€™s fortunate that its just a rock.

Thomas the tank engine advances to round 3!

Bouncy Castle vs. T-X

The TX isn€™t taking any prisoners, it starts its assault by morphing its amr into a laser blaster thingy, and sends a bolt of searing energy at the inflatable fort, somehow it deflects this, which mystifies the T-X€™s processors, how could this be? It€™s just a polymer complex induced recreational item. The bouncy castlesits there, wibbling slightly. It someohow crawls over to the TX, who stabs it repeatativly, yet it doesn€™t seem to do anything. This also intrigues the bouncy castel how come it doesn€™t inflate, and for that matter how come it€™s thinking at all, what is going on here. What is the meaning of life? Why? Fortunatly for us this philosophical debate can wiat til the next round as the T-X€™s batteries run out and the bouncy castle advances to the next round.

Bouncy Castle Advances to Round 3!

Still to come...

Mr Flibble vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva

[alex_holt]

Incidentally if you are religious in any way don€™t bother reading the bible fight, furthermore, don€™t complain to me if you do and don€™t like it. Its said a lot nastier than my own opinions on the matter€¦. It€™s the teapot honest€¦.

Mr Flibble vs. Prof. Vengeance

Prof Vengeance cracks his cane agaist the floor with a sharp tap, and swishes his cape dramatically, where as Mr Flibble looks kind of confused about the whole thing. A blast of emerald fire hits near Mr Flibble€™s feet, making him leap into the air with excitement. However at that precise second, for no apparent reason Mr Flibble is hit by a random meteorite, knocking him out cold, this is mildly disconcerting as there is no reason for there to be such a meteorite in this text. Especially odd is when it gets up and starts doing an embarrassing line dance. The fight ends before the space rock humiliates itself anymore.

Prof. Vengeance Advances to Round 3!

Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution

Born of an ancient evil the Ringwraith senses its eternal quarry, it rides its demonic steed at the robot, in a blaze of winged glory and thrusts its blade deep into the innards of its foe€¦ in there is what it seeks€¦. It pulls out a washer, caught in its skeletal grasp and rubs it all over itself€¦.the ring is its own at last, he grasps it and thru€¦..

THE REST OF THIS FIGHT IS CONSIDERED TOO MATURE AND DOWNRIGHT WEIRD FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 3000.

Suffice to say Ringwraith won and goes through to round 3!

Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee

The guarantee isn€™t worth the paper it€™s printed on, and this round it appears to be printed on a jaffacake, making that metaphor true, yet void€¦ Anyways, the guarantee switches, the ball is now guaranteed€¦ to explode. For some unknown reason its used in the NBA and goes through to the final, the world€™s number one team is about to score€¦ the tall man runs€¦ his legs pumping€¦sweat dripping off him as he charges intently towards the hoop, his top flapping wildly as the ball pounds repeatedly against the floor, he sidesteps and twists around an opposing player, the net is so close he can feel it in the air€¦ the ball is picked up, gliding through the air€¦ spinning gently, the world slows to a stand still€¦ it hits the back board, bounces€¦ and€¦€¦€¦€¦â⠀šÂ¬Ã‚¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â ¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦..drifts lightly through the air€¦and€¦€¦ suddenly metamorphoses into a irritable hungry komodo dragon. The great lizard snaps the bar, and hits the floor with a heavy thud. Its not in the best of moods€¦ the creature charges the players down, bites a few, giving them gangrenous wounds from which they will never fully recover, and eats a few minor celebrities watching from courtside, and in doing so made the world, albeit in a small way, a better place. However it€™s not to last, used to alligators in America after a while the pest control turn up, and in typical American fashion blast the poor animal apart with a shotgun.

100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee advances to Round 3!

The Holy Bible vs. teapot

The vast might of god channelled and demonstrated through one book. However the teapot has one thing up its spout.
The teapot states that god cannot theoretically exist, if he was to as he is supposedly perfect then he would be unable to create imperfection, and as such, humanity, the devil and lots of other nasty stuff wouldn€™t exist.
The bible argues back that he is perfect he can create anything he wanted, and as such he would therefore be beyond sin.
However, if this was the case how can a being beyond good and evil comprehend what they are, and in which case how could he aptly judge whether someone is good or evil. Furthermore the only way he could know, as good and evil are purely opinion based would be to look into the general consensus of reality. Unfortunatly this would mean he was not all powerful, or, for that matter that much use at all, as this would result in a puppet god who claims to have created everything. Furthermore he would have known that sin would exist as he is all powerful, yet he couldn€™t stop it. Surely he would know what would happen all along so what was the point in this entire exercise. Besides, an act of god is the lamest possible excuse for anything, god loves you€¦ so he kills you, however, if he loves anyone then no one would go to hell no matter how sinful they are, in which case he would be lying and ergo not perfect. Additionally religion is just a lame construct for those off too little moral fibre and inner strength of will to be able to admit the fact that they are completely irrelevant, and in the grand scheme of things their existence will not actually matter in anyway.
This sends the bible into deep depression, it eventually gets left in a road and sunk through with rain water, and the pages stick together, then it gets used for toilet paper by a tramp, who by shear co-incidence was the new coming of Christ, however here was a mix up as to his father and he ended up for adoption. There probably was some relevance for this whole thing, but maybe someone just wanted an excuse to moan at religion.

The Teapot advances to Round 3!

Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson

Homer Simpson charges at his opponent€¦ Tails is carrying a large number of rings on him€™€¦.mmmm€¦.onion rings€¦..donut rings€¦ €¦. Arwwwwww€™ covers approximately his line of thought€¦. Tails lifts off, but Homer grabs onto his egs€¦.€™give me rings!€™ be bellows, Homer grabs the shiny golden rigns and sticks them into his mouth, pulling more and more out of the stricken fox, until eventually the little mammal collapsed in exhaustion, smacking the floor Homer survives due to amazing regenerative abilities, however poor tails is crushed beneath his large girth€¦

Homer Simpson Advances to Round 3!

Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil

The humming grows louder€¦louder.. its eerie screech sliding its dark tendrils into the soul€¦ horrible it drains the life from the Velociraptor, whose laws click against the floor in a vain attempt to catch on. Suddenly a man approached them both, they sound really good together, and are hired to do the backing for a soul band. Both are perplexed. Anyways to cut long story short the raptor works its way out of backing into the lead and eventually gets a successful career, however the humming sells out, and leaunches cheesy singles. It is then destroyed for crimes against the multiverse€¦ it collaborated with crazy frog.

Velociraptor advances to Round 3!

Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.

The jedi unsheathes her lightsaber, her force senses out around her, soemthign below her is disturbing the frce greatly, she trips to jump free but her feet are stuck and she trips forward and lands on her face, that too sticking to the ground. Dungeons and dragons the movie is playing on the screen and the films awfulness bores into her brain, she slams the force against the floor freeing her, and uses it to balance on a seat away from the floor. She pulls the projector out of place and it smashes on the floor, getting rid of one opponent, and then she uses her telepath to contact a local cleaning firm who remove the carpet and put a new one in, and thereby advancing her to Round 3!

Jaina Solo advances to Round 3!

Golden Monkey vs. Shiva

The golden monkey is the object of a quest again, he€™s sitting drinking a milkshake almost as big as he is, holding it in his paws, when suddeny the three eyed god of Indian myth appears. The monkey looks pissed off as his banana milkshake is now all over the floor. He summons the great might of his ancestors€¦ and flees as fast as his legs can carry him. Shiva follows, however gets distracted by a specsavers, who gives him laser surgery €˜for that sore looking third eye€™ he glimpses the monkey and tries to incinerate him with the eye, but realises that the eye doesn€™t do that anymore and goes home to sulk.

The Golden Monkey Advances to Round 3!

So, apologizing for the delay€¦.

Round 3:

Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus
Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker
Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly
Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey

[velociraptor]

Hopefully Doc Ocks shades will protect him against any attacks on his eyes, and he can use his tentacles to rip up Pussycat.

Not much Ringwraith can do against the Prof except try to parry his attacks and stab him.

Velociraptor will slash off Homer Simpsons remaining hair, and as he cries in horror, the raptor will slice off his limbs (he has no brain to attack, and those layers of fat will probably protect his torso).

[steven_mcg]

THE WARS INCARNATE 2
ROUND 3
1) DICK DASTARDLY & MUTTLEY VS Pikachu
Dickll switch his gloves with rubber ones and simply pick Pikachu up. He therefore cant use his shock attacks and the small fry cant do anything once off the ground. Either throw him to the House Fighters or keep holding him in mid-air and feed him to Muttley.

2) A RANDOM DALEK VS The Wootinator
Blast his coffee cup with the Exterminator arm. Without his caffine, hell be left defenceless and ripe for a zapping. Failing that, just keep flying above him and frazzle with laser til dead.

3) A hippopotomous VS DR IVO ROBOTNIK
Ivos used to fighting and enslaving animals. Its his job. If able, use a portable Roboticiser on the beast and turn it into another mechanical worker for his army. Either that or simply scare it off with his egg breath.

4) A bouncy castle VS THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
...erm...run over it, therefore letting out all the air inside it?

5) Ringwraith VS PROFESSOR VENGEANCE
Mordor magic is no match for my nicked Chaos Emerald. The only way to beat drama is with its reverse - humour; so set the cane to Tickle Ray, zap him and watch the big creep laugh himself into submission. Failing that, tell him where Frodo is, making him run after him and forfeit the match. :wink:

Superb randomness as ever, Alexio! Good to see youve not given up just yet.

[darkguru]

Mara Jade vs Gothmog...might be time to use her beckon call and call in her ship...failing that, a bit of telekinesis and a lightsabor make interesting ideas possible.

As for Jaina and the golden monkey, if he brings his ancestors, now might be a good time to harness tempting the powers of the darkside...not many mammels could survive a blast of force lightning. One on one, she should be able to beat it before it gouges her damn eyes out.

[alex_holt]

And forward we march into round 3! I may have lost my slowness of tourny record but I attempt to regain it slowly, but surely, so behold ye of little faith.

Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus

The cat is feeling a bit laid back, so it opts for a more indifferent approach to the tournament, besides everyone knows cats hate water, and guess where octopus€™s live, he has to play it cool€¦
Dr Octopus wanders round the streets of Manhattan, wreaking destruction upon the weak, and so forth, he€™s off his rocker this guy, but nether the less he needs to find his opponent, and if possible, solve world power shortages in the process. He€™s the villain that just can€™t stop giving€¦ Anyways, he suddenly catches his claw on something€¦it appears to be made of chain mail€¦it€™s a bag. With his massively powerful arms he opens the bag€¦
The cat is out the bag and raking at Octopus€™s face with his claws, the villains is waving his arms but seems unable to see where he€™s hitting and ends up winding himself, the devil cat then tears the metal arms apart as if they were nothing and generally obliterates the entire structure, leaving just a rather chubby looking man€¦who subsequently gets dismembered unpleasantly, with one of his metal arms rammed up his posterior. The audience wince.

Pussycat goes through to Round 4!


Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal

The beverage is preparing an awesome end to this fight, it sits there biding its time, waiting to unleash a fury like no other upon its foe. It waits, and waits€¦ the cotton-clad anti-hero trundles forward likewise, ready to destroy the mug. The tension moutns to breaking point and then, with devastating accuracy, the mug splashes a few drops of coffee onto Ruff Ruff Dougal. This, despite being the most powerful attack the mug can muster is in fact, completely useless and pointless. It tries again, and the brown fluid is soaed up by the cotton. Realising this is perhaps the most easy possible fight he could have faced the small robotic dog just leaves it alone and goes of to see if he can find some hot aibo to play fetch with. The coffee goes cold, and then eventually curdles and is washed down the sink a few days later

Ruff Ruff Dougal goes through to Round 4!


Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker

There is a start contrast in adversaries here, one is a giant demon from the darkest places of middle earth. The other is a human jedi€¦ the final contest between science fiction and fantasy can only be settled in one way - in a rather warped battle!
Tosave geeks everywhere from further argueing the point they are both permitted to use anything within their genre and so battle commences€¦
Gothmog rides in on a vast flaming unicorn, no one knows where he got such a thing from and according to the judges he can€™t just mak thigns up, so the unicorn disapparates and the fell lord hits his face off the ground hard. Not a good start. This isn€™t aided by the fact that Mara Jade seems to have somehow got hold of a selection of all the space ships she could handle, and above the dark creature Deep Space 9, Enterprise, the Death Star, A squadron of X-wings, Moya, Talyn, Babylon 5, a squadron of Romulan War Birds, A borg Cube and what could possibly be a Scarren Dreadnaught loom over the sky intermingled with a slection of other ships that no-one except extreme geeks could conceivably recognise. Gothmog waves his hand and several thousand black dragons leap into the sky, followed by griffons, wyverns, phoenix€™s, rocs, giant eagles and a selection of other various beasties. The resulting battle is rather spectacular - dragons tear down fighters and fighters tears down dragons and the giant windscreen wipers on the death stars windows have to work overtime wiping various Pegasus off the windows.
Mara Jade suddenly does a commando roll through a stragate that has materialised behind and lances out her lightsaber, however the vast flaming sword of the Balrog parries it and the two enter combat. Every single creature conceivable on either side is summoned and slain€¦wookies fight skeletons, Klingons battle dwarfs (at least for a while, until they settle it in a good hearted drinking contest) and Yoda fights Gandalf. They they hit upon an idea€¦they both simultaneously call upon€¦the Scarlet Witch€¦both magical and science fiction, she can change the universe, and because she is on the side of both, the just decides to send a wave of decimation across the battle field, and both sides lay on the floor and die€¦ What the Balrog didn€™t realise was that Mara Jade had just used the seven-days project to go back in time and replace herself with a clone. Mara Jade was infact sitting slurping martini in the audience, and therefore she beams as she advances to the next round.


Mara Jade goes through to Round 4!


Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly

The robot blasts a brilliant arc of lightening into Dastardly, but the characters powers extend to complete invulnerability, if not immunity to pain€¦he is completely blackened, and his special anti-pikachu gun disintegrates into a pile of ash. Muttly realises that with Dastardly at his side he will never get anywhere, and so proposes a team up with pikachu. Flying dog and electric rodent take to the skies, and rain down thunder upon Dick Dastardly, zapping at his feet until he runs off a cliff€¦

Pikachu and Muttly goes through to Round 4!

Still to come in Round 3!

Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey