The Joke Thread

[liambryant]

Theres a scottish man, english man and an irish man standing on a bridge, the scottish man throws a thistle off the bridge, the english man throws a rose off the bridge and the irish man throws a bomb off the bridge. The scottish man comes across a little boy thats crying and he asks why are u crying? and the boy says because a thistle fell on my head the englishman comes across a little girl thats crying and asks her why are u crying? and the girl says because a rose fell on my head and the irish man comes across a boy who is laughing and he asks why are u laughing? and the little boy says because when I farted, my house blew up!

[anukhet]

Two engineers are parking their respective transport in the works car park when one says, €œWhere did you get such a great bike?€

The second engineer replies, €œWell yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, €˜Take what you want!€™€

The first engineer nods in approval, €œGood choice - the clothes probably wouldn€™t have fit.€
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Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road.

One nun says, €œI€™ve never come this way before.€

The second nun says, €œIt must be the cobblestones.€

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Why do woman wear makeup and perfume?

Because they€™re ugly and they smell.

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a pub.

The barman says, €œWhats this, a joke?€

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A naked man goes to a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back. After several people have given him some puzzled, and rather revolted looks, one guest comes up to ask the inevitable question, €œSo, what have you come as?€

€œA snail.€ the man replies.

€œRight,€ replies the other guest, €œand what€™s with the woman?€

€œAh,€ explains the man, €œthat€™s Michelle.€
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There is also the joke about the penguin and the ice cream but I cant repeat it here

[cliveb]

2 budgies sitting on a perch,1 says to the other:

can you smell fish?
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2 teddy bears sitting in the airing cupboard,which 1 is in the army?

the 1 sitting on the tank.
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2 teddy bears sitting in the airing cupboard,which 1 is the pilot?

the 1 that left the landing light on.

[cliveb]

Ripper is going to win the winter tour.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[craig_anto]

Liverpool are going to win the league

[babeth]

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.

_____________________________________
On a completely different note...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldnt get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 . He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didnt get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

[aero_storm]

Irish Joke:

How do you get an Irish man on the roof?

Tell him the drinks are on the house!

[geoff]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
Dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer -- youre in the wrong place.

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So,
hows it going down there in hell? Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him. God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

[liambryant]

Q. Did U hear about Kan-Opener falling in love with another robot?

A. Yeah, she had a crush on him!

[jenny]

NINE WORDS WOMAN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Dont Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) Thats Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. Thats okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say youre welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says Thanks a lot - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say youre welcome . that will bring on a whatever).

( Whatever: Is a womans way of saying a bad word to you!

(9) Dont worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking Whats wrong? For the womans response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.