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Sorry, really been wanting to start this for a long time :proud:.
Obviously you decide what is accepatable. Use your judgement on whether it should be on a public forum or not.
This thread is just a test but I thought Id try it - Maybe people will like it!
alex
perphpas you should start us off then Alex
if i knew you that might be a joke in its self
I have a scottish joke
Q. Did u hear about the chameleon with a nervous breakdown?
A. Aye, it sat on a tartan rug!
I have a couple:
A bat returns to his cave, covered in blood and wounds.
The other bats get all excited.
They want to know what happened, so the battered bat says Fine, follow me.
The other bats follow the battered bat to the woods.
they go into the woods and stop at a tree.
The battered bat says Do you see the branch on the tree there?
The other bats say Yes!
The battered bat says Well i fricken didnt!
A man goes to a wizard, and he says to the wizard I need you to lift a curse off of me
The wizard says Ok, but i need you to tell me the exact words of the curse
Ok then The man says I now pronounce you Husband and Wife!
(Message edited by scorpion on November 06, 2008)
A man walks into a bar, sits down and picks up a minature piano and puts it up on the table. He also opens his bag and a 30 cm tall man jumps out!
The bartender is really suprised, but gladly asks the man.
Where did you get that from?
The man answers; I got a lamp with a spirit in it that grants wishes
Bartender; May I try it? The man nods and gives him the lamp
I wish I had lots of money!
Suddenly, its started to rain bunnies outside!
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the spirit dosent hear too well. Otherwise I wouldnt wish myself a 30 cm pianist..
young fella says to gran gran have you seen my pills! They were yellow and marked LSD!?
gran replies never mind the pills have you seen the Dragons in the kitchen
Ok then...
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........youd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see youre nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnt find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldnt reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I cant feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you cant, Ive cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says Ill give you some cream to put on it.
12. Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Is it common?
Its not unusual.
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, Im going to have to put him down. What? Because
hes cross-eyed?
No, because hes really heavy
14. Guy goes into the doctors. Doc, Ive got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
Hows that?
Dont you start.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?
I said Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it.
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. Its either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round. The other one says So are you, you fat *******!
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine. So that was nice.
22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, Ive hurt my arm in several places
The doctor said, Well dont go there anymore
23. Irelands worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Knock yourself out!
Alex
Knock, knock.
Who€™s there?
F...
F... who?
No, its €œf... whom?€Â
Allegedly by heard from Ronald Reagan:
Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend.
€œPoor Molly,€ said the first woman, looking down at the body, €œshe had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died too.
And now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.€Â
€œWell, at least they are together at last.€ replied the second woman.
€œYou mean together in Heaven?€ asked the first woman. €œBut is Mollie together with Mike or with Johnny?€Â
€œI was referring to her legs.€Â
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Cows Go
Cows Go Who?
No silly, cows go moo!
Theres a scottish man, english man and an irish man standing on a bridge, the scottish man throws a thistle off the bridge, the english man throws a rose off the bridge and the irish man throws a bomb off the bridge. The scottish man comes across a little boy thats crying and he asks why are u crying? and the boy says because a thistle fell on my head the englishman comes across a little girl thats crying and asks her why are u crying? and the girl says because a rose fell on my head and the irish man comes across a boy who is laughing and he asks why are u laughing? and the little boy says because when I farted, my house blew up!
Two engineers are parking their respective transport in the works car park when one says, €œWhere did you get such a great bike?€Â
The second engineer replies, €œWell yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, €˜Take what you want!€™€Â
The first engineer nods in approval, €œGood choice - the clothes probably wouldn€™t have fit.€Â
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Two nuns are riding bicycles down an unfamiliar road.
One nun says, €œI€™ve never come this way before.€Â
The second nun says, €œIt must be the cobblestones.€Â
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Why do woman wear makeup and perfume?
Because they€™re ugly and they smell.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a pub.
The barman says, €œWhats this, a joke?€Â
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A naked man goes to a fancy dress party carrying a woman on his back. After several people have given him some puzzled, and rather revolted looks, one guest comes up to ask the inevitable question, €œSo, what have you come as?€Â
€œA snail.€ the man replies.
€œRight,€ replies the other guest, €œand what€™s with the woman?€Â
€œAh,€ explains the man, €œthat€™s Michelle.€Â
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There is also the joke about the penguin and the ice cream but I cant repeat it here
:)
2 budgies sitting on a perch,1 says to the other:
can you smell fish?
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2 teddy bears sitting in the airing cupboard,which 1 is in the army?
the 1 sitting on the tank.
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2 teddy bears sitting in the airing cupboard,which 1 is the pilot?
the 1 that left the landing light on.
Ripper is going to win the winter tour.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.:rofl::rofl::rofl:
Liverpool are going to win the league
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
_____________________________________
On a completely different note...
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldnt get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 . He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didnt get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
Irish Joke:
How do you get an Irish man on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
Dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer -- youre in the wrong place.
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So,
hows it going down there in hell? Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him. God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
Q. Did U hear about Kan-Opener falling in love with another robot?
A. Yeah, she had a crush on him!
NINE WORDS WOMAN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Dont Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) Thats Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. Thats okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say youre welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says Thanks a lot - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say youre welcome . that will bring on a whatever).
(8) Whatever: Is a womans way of saying a bad word to you!
(9) Dont worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking Whats wrong? For the womans response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
A builder was using a peice of heavy machinery on top of a building untill suddenly WOOSH, he lost control of it and it cut his ear off. He turned the machine off and went downstairs to find it. His friend who was downstairs at the time picked up an ear and said I think this is yours but the builder said Its not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it.
Knock Knock
Whos there
Europe
Europe who?
No - Youre a Poo!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
to put out fires
why do elephants have flat feet?
to stamp out burning ducks
Alexander i have a great knock knock joke but you have to start it......
Knock Knock
Pacient:Doctor Ive been bitten by a great big alsation with rabies
Doctor:Where did it bite you?
PacientOn my leg
Doctor:Did you put anything on it?
Pacient:No he ate it as it was.
Whats the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
One can shoot but cant hit, but the other can hoot but cant ...
Whats the difference between a rabbit doing excersise and a rabbit with a flower up its nose?
Ones a fit bunny, the others a bit funny!
What is round, white and giggles?
A Tickled Onion!
Whats the worst time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-Hurty!
Whats the most dangerous vegetable to have on a boat?
A Leak!
Why cant cavemen hear a pteranadon go to the toilet?
Because it has a silent Pee!
LMAO at Chris second one :D
Knock Knock..........
WHOS THERE!?
Imaptient cow.................Moo
Impatient cow.............Moo who?
2 new members of a hunting lodge meet one of the elder members.
Do you have any good hunting stories? asks one of the new members.
I sure do says the elder. One time I was in Africa and we didnt have much success. After a while I sat down under a tree when I heard some noise from the bushes nearby. Suddenly a Lion jumped out and said GROOAAAWL. I just did it in my pants.
Well I can imagine, Id do it in my pants to if a Lion came up like that.
No says the elder I mean just now when I said GROOAAAWL.
Who R pigs most afraid of?
Franken-Swine!
Who R fish most afraid of?
Jack The Kipper!
Who R Bakers most afraid of?
Attilla The Bun!
Here R some knock knock jokes!
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Yah
Yah Who?
I didnt know u were a cowboy!
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Luke
Luke Who?
Luke through the keyhole and ull find out
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Boo
Boo Who?
No need to cry, its only a joke!
I also forgot one!
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Bannana
Bannana who?
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Bananna
Bananna Who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bananna
Bananna Who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bananna
Bananna Who?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bananna
Bananna Who?
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange U glad U didnt say bananna?
:lame:
I think were gonna have to do a best and worst competition at some point! The bannana one may be.............somewhere near the bottom.
Alex
There exists a bottom to these depths? :)
lol :-)