Haynes Manual translations LOOK HERE 1ST BEFOR ASKING QUESTI

Haynes Manual translations

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: Thatll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - Jesus, where the hell did that go?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isnt broken dont fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isnt broken, its about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you wont need your motorbike/car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: Youre not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but dont ever carry your loved ones in/on it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your
wife/husband/partner Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, thats it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, dont bother.
Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

uhm...what? :S

You have far too much time on your hands

i got through the 1st 4 and couldnt be bothered to read the rest

ur in a different world dad

i told me dad i dont have a clue what im on about and he says thats because iv never had a haynes manual :S

(Message edited by john on October 28, 2008)

I know just what hes talking about :rofl:

I think anyone who tried the undo bolts and prise clutch housing away from the engine block part of the Citreon BX manual (the instructions didnt point out that it involved almost removing the engine before you could do this) will know exactly what hes on.

Andy

Same here. I laughed so hard I almost cried. So recognizable. :)

glad to here some like it
i take it the young ones have not got a clue lol

Tokyo underground seems about right, I bought a haynes manual for my Astra, first thing I did was to trace back a wire to the ECU only to find it didnt match anything on the wiring diagram, next wire was the same so gave up!

Anyone know how to fix an Gastra? Vauxhall gave up too!

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your
wife/husband/partner Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one

thats a funny one.

Nice one John - been there many times.

Why does the index never have what you want listed? You know its in the book somewhere but they choose not to tell you.

Ah yes; happy days attempting to fix a Citroen 2CV with the assistance of a Haynes manual- and a pair of mole grips and a hammer- a few years back. The phrase carefully remove still has the power to conjure memories of profound frustration and pain, as I recall attempting to carefully remove seized-on nuts with extreme force and succeeding only in removing sizable strips of skin from my hands. How I laughed...

you old men

what are we going to do with you all

Lets lock them them up with Pillow Torque in that cage theyre thinking of putting in! :proud:

OI!:)
No nuts on me - rusty or otherwise :rofl: