Note the day.
Technically speaking I do have too much work but meh.
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Note the day.
Technically speaking I do have too much work but meh.
I€™ve decided that I€™m going to get this first round licker so here we go€¦.
A Velociraptor vs. an electrical storm
The velociraptor is getting angry, you won€™t like him when your angry, however not any more so than you€™d dislike any other angry velociraptor. The orb of life that provides the vulnerability of the storm is high in the atmosphere and nothing seems to be able to get it down. Drat. However the velociraptor€™s agent provided him with some very thick rubber boots so both sit around attempting vainly to hurt the other. This would have continued indefinalty was it not for an incredibly improbably creation of a worm hole through space and time which led to a small jungle clearing, hundreds of miles away from the storm a couple of months back. The velocriaptor treads down heavily and squashes a small red butterfly. Which incidentally in three wing beats from now would have caused the beginning of the storm that the raptor had just escaped, however will now never get the chance to.
The raptor steps back through the wormhole but nothings there the storm seems never to have existed and no one for the life of them can recall who the raptors opponent was. Oh well, the storm seems never to have existed.
The raptor advances to Round 2!
Shiva vs. Hexadecimator
This Shiva isn€™t which one was specified because I don€™t know enough about it and cannot be bothered to find out, as such tis the destroying god of Indian myth and one nasty fellow. Severely unfortunately for hexadecimator Shiva had a central third eye which burns people it gazes upon, and the robotic controls of the robot are fried making for an entirely humourless fight. How rare.
Shiva advances to round 2!
Jaina Solo vs. A London Red Bus
The jedi waves her lightsaber as she sees the monstrous blight upon the cityscape rage towards her, with the powers of the force she leaps deftly onto its rooftop and plunges the saber down, easily slicing through the pitiful fibreglass chassis of the thing (this being one with a roof) and enters in the top deck below, which for unexplained reasons is filled with zombies. Jaina would raise an eyebrow at this yet she doesn€™t have time as no amount of cutting these zombies up seems to stop them as their hands claw at her legs. Eventually she realises whats needed and uses the force to throw all the severed and irritable limbs out the hole she entered by. But on the stairs there is a sith withing a red lighsaber. This is getting weirder and weirder, how are you meant to have a cool looking fight with a sith on the steps on a London red bus. She says thi outloud and the sith sits down and agrees, this tournament is taking the micky out of all the cool moves force users have dedicated their lvies to learning. They sit there for hours and discover that they actually came from quite near each other and its surprising they€™d ever met. And spend hours chatting away about the old times and how jar jar binks ruins the new films and makes star wars so much less cool.
During this time the bus accidentally jumps a red light and is caught on camera by the overzealous police and as busses don€™t have bank accounts is unable to pay a fine and as such is clamped and elft to rust. Jaina and the sith start dating and the sith, whose name is turns out is Ronald Jones start dating, see some of these have happy endings.
Jaina solo advances to round 2!
Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor vs. as I seem to have lost whomever was entered here I€™m just going to insert *rolls dice for random opponent* Fred, God of Woodlice and Smelling used created before Saturday 18th June 1972
Fred summons a plague of woodlice to over run the cinema, however they become glued to the floor and start forming clumps, the great god Fred saiys let their be smelling salts. And there were, as he was a god of nervous disposition he sat their sniffing them. Unfortunatly this came to the attention of Plop, the god of plastic lemon squeezers and Smelling used created after Saturday 18th June 1972, who saw that Fred was trying to extend his domain and smote him into a pile of ash.
Sticky popcorn cinema floor advances to round 2!
Kyp Durran vs. Golden Monkey
Another fight, another jedi, and most probably more typos. Anyway. The jedi sets of in search of the golden monkey, the fabled creature of legend able to grant any wish to any who can find it. The monkey is having none of it however and decides tha the last place that anyone would think to look would be Whipsnade zoo. I mean what are the odds that the monkey would be somewhere sensible? Kyp Durran meanwhile treks deep into the Himalayas where he encounters an angry yak which rams him off a cliff, causing a very unexpected end to the fight.
The Golden monkey advances to Round 2!
Sugar Cube vs. Intense Humming of Evil
And now for the final fight of round 1, the intense humming of evil, formerly the ominous humming of evil formerly evil humming, begins to hum. However little did it realise that this was taking place near the auditions for pop idol 87: the crud idol and Simon Cowell hires the humming, however the humming possesses Simon coweel and dispatches harsh judgement across the talentless teenage pop wanabees of America and gains a small fortune. He then hires hit men to take out that sugar cube who was last seen disovlving In the sea off the Texas coastline.
Intense humming of Evil advances to Round 2!
Leaving us with the following lineup, each paired up with th one next to them to save me effort.
Pussycat
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs
Clover Raddick
Dr Octopus
Coffee Cup
Alphonse €˜Al€™ Capone
Ruf Ruf Dougle
Evil Green Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
An Old radio
Banana Hammock
Mara Jade Skywalker
Sarcasm
A pint of milk
Pikachu
Glasgae Ned
The 5th Moon of Earth
The Wootinator
Godzilla
A triceratops
A random Dalek
Samus Aaran
brick wall
White Mazda
A duck
Electric Guitar
A white swan
Hexadecimal
Mrs. Potato Head
Funky Junkie
A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik
a mars bar
Thomas the Tank Engine
Dick Dastardly and Muttly
Bouncy Castle
T-X
Apocalypse
Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith
Weginator Revilotion
Basket Ball
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible
teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower
Homer Simpson
Velociraptor
Shiva
Jaina Solo
Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey
Intense Humming of Evil
draws when i can be bothered
Pussycat vs. Banana Hammock
Before the fight pussycat requests a private chat with the banana hammock, an odd request for this tournament yet he judges see no obvious problems with this. The cat goes into the room and shuts the door behind itself, and then half an hour later leaves with a Cheshire cat grin on its face.
The fight begins and the banana hammock is nowhere to be seen, after half an hour the officials go to the banana hammocks room to see if its there. They discover its been brutally torn apart by some unknown metal implement, murdered as it where no evidence as to whom can be found, however advances in forensic science implicate Andy and his Swiss Army Spoon and he is subsequently sentenced to life behind bars. The cat looks around guiltily after retracting the admantium claws it obtained in the last series.
Pussycat advances to Round 3!
Clover Raddick vs. Dr Octopus
In the events preceding this Clover was revealed to be other than she appeared, and was in fact Kody in drag. Slammer is so sickened by this he beats Kody to a pulp, literally and then feeds the remains to his pet Sid the rabid jackal. Seeing how pissed off Slammer looks Dr Octopus arms it as fast as he can into the sunset so he lives to enter round 3.
Dr Octopus Advances to Round 3!
Coffee Cup vs. Alphonse €˜Al€™ Capone
The infamous gangster hits at his desk with photographs cast about in front of him. This coffee cup dares to defy the rule of the mob, his fat cigar is smouldering gently in the corner of his mouth and he unwittingly raises a mug of coffee to his lips and takes a slurp. The arsenic and cyanide and mercury mixed in with the coffee doesn€™t take long to take hold and the infamous mob lord drops to the floor dead, a look of intense constipation on his blue face.
A mug of Coffee advances to Round 3!
Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Evil Green Mighty Morphin Power Ranger
The mighty morphin power ranger has his damage proof skintight twit gear on and is ready to destroy all who stand in the path of the infamous green ranger. He summons up the dragon zord to confront whichever being seeks to defy him, unfortunalty for him the television studio who funds power rangers finally wake up from the coffee induced half coma they have been in for the past ten years and realise what crap they€™ve been spewing from every orifice and the entire staff of the company commit the hara kiri ritual suicide of the samurai to atone for the dishonour they bought upon themselves.
As such when ruff ruff Dougal slams into the leg of the power ranger his suit doesnt stop it and he breaks his femur and has to have a cast put on, eliminating it from the rest of the tournament.
Ruf Ruf Dougal advances to round 3!
An Old radio vs. Gothmog: Lord of the Balrogs
The ferocious flaming devil known as Gothmog flares his fiery whip in the general direction of the radio, but the mechanical contraption has a plan, it suddenly launches into the Archers, its damp and meaningless plots dousing the fire within Gothmog turning it into a creature of slime and hatred. This should technically have won it for the radio however some slime got into the workings and caused it to break, upon taking it to an electrician he shook his head and said it€™d take five weeks to get the component in, and he can€™t guarantee it€™ll work and it will cost £90. No one can be bothered with this so they declare Gothmog the winner.
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs Advances to Round 3!
Still to Come in Round 3:
Mara Jade Skywalker vs. Sarcasm
A pint of milk vs. Pikachu
Glasgae Ned vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly
The Wootinator vs. Godzilla
A triceratops vs. A random Dalek
Samus Aaran vs. brick wall
White Mazda vs. A duck
Electric Guitar vs. A white swan
A mars bar vs. Mrs. Potato Head
Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
Apocalypse vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revilotion
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
oh, just noticed a mistake, apocalyse should be mr flibble
You do know that youve stuck two of mine in against each other, right? meh, whatever. Mara Jade is naturally sarcastic and so immune to pretty much any sarcasm directed at her.
Jaina does not need to step onto the floor, if anyone did, im sure that Ronald Jones wpuldnt mind being a powerful Sith and all
Shiva...burn monkey burn. heh, gone from ice to fire :p
Since this Triceratops is The One, it will be able to go into bullet time and dodge all the Daleks attacks, then use its horns to spear out the Daleks eye, causing the Dalek to run around chaotically screaming pathetically, so it can be easily finished off.
The T-X will blast the bouncy castle to deflate it, keeping at a safe distance in case the escaping air blows it away or it opens up a wormhole or something.
The Ringwraith will just bash Wedginator with its sword.
The Velociraptor will screech to drown out the Intense Humming Of Evil, and stamp its feet and tap its claws when its out of breath.
DICK & MUTTLEY: the youthful hooligans blades will have no effect on cartoon characters, so make with the TNT and, if need be, the Vulture Squadrens menagerie of planes
RANDOM DALEK: stay airborne with the Jetpack and EX-TER-MIN-ATE til dead
ROBOTNIK: The Doctor is a master of mechanics, so just dismantle the Battlebot and use its innards for part of the new Death Egg
THOMAS: ...um...how do you fight a moon? ...erm...summon the Fat Controller to colonise it? :proud:
PROFESSOR V: Mr Flibble wouldnt hurt a Red Dwarf fan... :wink:
TAILS: Mr Prower can build an fully-functioning X-Wing lookalike. Homer can barely build a spice rack. Either gun down with the bi-plane or give him a really hard brain teaser.
And now more from the tournament which is weirder than €¦. Well than€¦ err€¦ most things. Anyway€¦
Mara Jade Skywalker vs. Sarcasm
The Jedi turns on her lightsaber, but unfortunately she was already infected with sarcasm from the last round. As she was afterwards cured the rules of immunology state that if the body encounters something forum it will develop a specific immune response to this article unless it destroys the body first, as such Mara Jade has developed anti sarcasm antigens in her body. She feels ill for a few minutes, yet somehow the force powered immune system has managed to expel the virulent sarcasm from her system.
Mara Jade Skywalker advances to Round 3!
A pint of milk vs. Pikachu
Pikachu, the electronic rodent with the brains, the money and a very fast car confronts the milk. Pikachu is not a computer unlike the previous opponent and therefore will not believe itself to be cheese, and therefore will not loose like that. Pikachu thunder shocks the milk, and the glass shatters. Somehow, however the bottle reforms, its obviously taken on some of the properties of its previous opponent. Curse you skynet! Shouts pikachu, before a prolonged electric shock shoots from the rodent into the milk, curdling the milk into a solid. However this is the chance the solution needs, now it has a solid form the cheeseinator is out to destroy pikachu. Pikachu turns and gives Alex a cold look for coming up with such drivel, and then gets in his Jaguar and reversed back and forth over the stilton monster several times, creaming it.
Pikachu Advances to Round 3!
Glasgae Ned vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttley
The Glasweigan nutcase wanders around in a daze, his sharp objects are nothing but a distant memory as he searches for a new hallucinagenic of choice, biplane exhaust, the carbon monoxide in it sends his brain whirring into a pit. The due look at each other sceptically, how could they have such a run of good luck, this guy is actually killing himself on their bi plane without any need for them to be hurt painfully in the process. Glasgae Ned passes out as the carbon monoxide fills up all the haemoglobin in his body making him unable to breath oxygen. Unfortunately a token anvil hits Dastardly on the head after being dropped from a pigeon, yet he and Muttley go through to the next round.
Dick Dastardly and Muttley advance to Round 3!
The Wootinator vs. Godzilla
The man in the coffee coloured suit makes an appearance, twiling his logn cape made from coffee bean husks, and generally looking hyped up on coffee. Before him is a lizard which is the best part of 500m long. He takes a deep slurp of coffee, sighs, and then takes another one. Godzilla is intrigued, what is this substance which makes this miniscule little being so fearless? Where does he get such large quantities as to satiate his appetite from? Will he ever stop giving himself internal rhetorical questions? He realises that he doesn€™t know the answers to any of these and therefore descides to ask.
€˜Excuse me€™ me booms €˜But where might I get some of this brown fluid you love so much€™
The Wootinator thinks, then remembers his coffee related powers. His arms shift into coffee cannons, which are kind of like the hydro cannons the police use for crowd clearance, but with high quality coffee of which for some reason he himself doesn€™t know, there is a limitless supply.
both jets stream into the mouth of the huge reptile, this is good. What Godzilla didn€™t anticipate was that he€™d get high on this new €˜coffee€™ in fact he got so high and awake , he had so much energy he swam as far out to see as fast as he could to wear it off. Unfortunatly it wore off rather suddenly and Godzilla decided to sleep, this itself isn€™t a problem as the lizard is amphibious. However he happened to stop over a very deep trench, he sank to the bottom and as he tried to move again he realised his mistake. The immense pressure was holding him fast and there way no way to move. Godzilla roared in the deep, but no one was there to hear him. Back in Tokyo the Wootinator gasps as his coffee cannons finally stopped, they had got arred on on.
€˜I never want to see coffee again€™ he declared €˜Now get me a cappuccino someone€™
The Wootinator Advances to Round 3!
Still to come in Round 3€¦.
A triceratops vs. A random Dalek
Samus Aaran vs. brick wall
White Mazda vs. A duck
Electric Guitar vs. A white swan
A mars bar vs. Mrs. Potato Head
Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
Apocalypse vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
Electric Guitar vs. A white swan
A mars bar vs. Mrs. Potato Head
Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
Apocalypse vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revilotion
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
Sooo... Most of the fights get written twice do they?:)
Just because I dont pay full attention to copy and paste errors...
And after a random break I€™m back and on a massive high (for reasons of which some of you are aware) and therefore I€™ll conclude this round two in one massive blob of craziness.
A triceratops vs. A random Dalek
The dalek slides forward, propelled by the most advanced form of locomotion technology known to their race: the wheel. The triceratops is THE chosen one, and can dodge bullets, and seeks to destroy the computer overlords in whatever means it can, it has unparalleled speed and agility and it can warp the code of the matrix to its own means. However the appearance of the dalek mystifies it - why would the matrix choose to use something so obviously technology based, and fool could see it€™s a cyborg creations, more computer than living thing, but with much slower stair climbing than agent smith. It rams forward and spikes its horns through the front of the dalek, puncturing several canisters which to be honest were there for effect rather than actually doing anything. The dalek retaliates but the chosen one snaps off its feeble plunger, again another technological extreme of dalek technology. Its not looking well for the dalek until one fatal misjudgement leaves just the dalek in the room. Firstly the other arm did have a use - it was a laser, secondly lasers are light and therefore travel at the speed of light, but as the triceratops can see the code of the matrix it can dodge the laser blast, however, to dodge the blast it means moving in excess of the speed of light. The triceratops can do this, but he hadn€™t uploaded the particle physics papers into him and therefore was unaware that faster than light speed equates to time travel, and therefore the triceratops is surprised to find itself in the middle of a strange place which it doesn€™t recognise, it can see a massive throbbing orb of blackness in the crimson red sky above, and would have pondered what the hell was going on if he hadn€™t been slaughtered in the middle of a melee of angels, demons and shadow creatures a few moments later.
A random dalek advances to Round 3!
Samus Aaran vs. brick wall
The infamous space bounty hunter readies her charge beam, her scan visor picked up the wall collective before the fight and she is highly concerned, but she has a plan. The walls come in thick and fast, but Samus appears to be in her morph ball state. Unlike the huge digimon from round 1 she is now really small so the walls block each others passge to her, more and more pile in, until eventually suddenly all the ground collapses beneath all the walls and plunge to their crumbling - the reason? The stadium was built on top of the remains of the last one, which was truly obliterated by different events and with nothing to hold it up they all fall into the hole in the ground, just as Samus blasts herself clear which a mine.
Samus Aaran advances to Round 3!
White Mazda vs. A duck
An epic opera score drowns out across the lava sodden plains as these two darkest of foes face each other off, their figures infamous throughout all the worlds of men and feared for their merciless ferocity, the duck chews its cigar a few times and then spits it to the ground, knowing that it€™ll need all its focus. A look of intense concentration crosses its face. The mazda remains motionless. The car doors open slightly to threaten but the ducks wings match the movement, and both retreat, knowing that this dread fight will be too tough to call. The mazda remains still, motionless, and no expressions to predict how this tense fight will end, and fear seeps through the air. After several days of intense waiting and watching, keeping its stony vigilance, the duck grows impatient, and then realises that the cars batteries have been dead for about half an hour and quacks at a lousy end to the epic conflict.
A duck advances to round 3!
Electric Guitar vs. A white swan
Here comes the guitar, strumming its stuff up to the ring, and here comes the Sith swan, the dark, or possibly very light, representative of the evil order of the Sith. The crowd goes wild as the red lightsaber comes out, gently humming as the guitar gets ready to play. Today€™s wielder of the guitar is kali, who thanks to her multiple arms had a distinct advantage in the guitar playing film, and the recently resurrected ghost of Jimmy Hendrix goes off to cry in a corner at rhythms that take more than two arms to play. The swan is impressed and approaches kali and the guitar with a proposition. They form o rock band, which goes triple platinum world wide with their first album before fading into obscurity. The band later splits in an argument as to whether Tom Roper should be in this band, and years later the guitar is found broken on the floor of a seedy motel after a polish overdose.
A white swan advances to Round 3!
A mars bar vs. Mrs. Potato Head
The Mars corporation is out in force, reading to sue the ass off of anyone who dares defy their confectionary based empire of pain. This Mr€™s Potato head sounds dangerous, potatoes are a vegetable, ergo, they are healthy, ergo, they are evil, summarise the lawyers trying to vocabularies their complex thesis€™s in highly literate and complex manners, as they are lawyers, ergo, they need to talk crap as much as is possible. Mr€™s Potato head, comes into the arena, but the Mars corporation and their bar attack, literally burying their adversary in complex paperwork. Mr€™s Potato head screams as she can see nothing but lawyer jargon and legal forms, bills, invoices and miscellaneous pieces of paper using words with more than eight syllables. She pulls out her eyes and throws them clear. Mars then get their behinds sued to hell for causing harm to the public, but still win the fight as Mrs Potato head doesn€™t have time to compete in the next round as she is filling in paperwork permanently for the next sixty or so years.
The mars bar Advances to Round 3!
Still to come€¦.
Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
Apocalypse vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
Wait, didnt apocalypse lose?
I dont remember, but GO RANDOM DALEK! :proud:
err.... actually i think it did, sorry bout that, ill fix it when im next writing this.
Funky Junkie vs. A hippopotamus
The hippopotamus charges at the funky junky, who is quietly giggling to himself in a corner and laughing at the lime green with scarlet pokadotted three legged elk with pink horns that he sees approaching him. The hippo slams into his chest, knocking him flying, but due to some twist of chance to make this fight slightly more interesting the junky has got high enough to take off, by inflating, he begins to drift clear but the hippo chomps into his leg causing him to whiz round like a puncturered balloon and eventually slam headfirst into the spectator stand and eventually look like someone€™s skin draped over the side. The crowd cheers. Except for the one sickened by the dead man ontop of them.
Hippopotamus goes through to round 3!
Dr Ivo Robotnik vs. hexidecimator
Dr Robotnik cackles menacingly, me realises that it€™s an entry which I can€™t remember about so decides to go sit in his sun lounger while hexadecimator, whatever it happens to be gets struck in a series of freak accidents involving a typhoon of baked bean tins.
Dr Ivo Robotnik goes through to round 3!
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The 5th Moon of Earth
The fifth moon of earth tries for a repeat tactic, but Thomas is much smarter than Mega Man, he is the anti Christ after all and therefore has no qualms about playing dirty. As such Thomas smites all the telescopes on the earth capable of seeing the fifth moon of earth, meaning that the fifth moon has no coverage at all. Soon everyone actually forgets about the moon, which sits there up in space alone, with no one to talk to, trapped in eternal boredom. It€™s fortunate that its just a rock.
Thomas the tank engine advances to round 3!
Bouncy Castle vs. T-X
The TX isn€™t taking any prisoners, it starts its assault by morphing its amr into a laser blaster thingy, and sends a bolt of searing energy at the inflatable fort, somehow it deflects this, which mystifies the T-X€™s processors, how could this be? It€™s just a polymer complex induced recreational item. The bouncy castlesits there, wibbling slightly. It someohow crawls over to the TX, who stabs it repeatativly, yet it doesn€™t seem to do anything. This also intrigues the bouncy castel how come it doesn€™t inflate, and for that matter how come it€™s thinking at all, what is going on here. What is the meaning of life? Why? Fortunatly for us this philosophical debate can wiat til the next round as the T-X€™s batteries run out and the bouncy castle advances to the next round.
Bouncy Castle Advances to Round 3!
Still to come...
Mr Flibble vs. Prof. Vengeance
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
Incidentally if you are religious in any way don€™t bother reading the bible fight, furthermore, don€™t complain to me if you do and don€™t like it. Its said a lot nastier than my own opinions on the matter€¦. It€™s the teapot honest€¦.
Mr Flibble vs. Prof. Vengeance
Prof Vengeance cracks his cane agaist the floor with a sharp tap, and swishes his cape dramatically, where as Mr Flibble looks kind of confused about the whole thing. A blast of emerald fire hits near Mr Flibble€™s feet, making him leap into the air with excitement. However at that precise second, for no apparent reason Mr Flibble is hit by a random meteorite, knocking him out cold, this is mildly disconcerting as there is no reason for there to be such a meteorite in this text. Especially odd is when it gets up and starts doing an embarrassing line dance. The fight ends before the space rock humiliates itself anymore.
Prof. Vengeance Advances to Round 3!
Ringwraith vs. Wedginator Revolution
Born of an ancient evil the Ringwraith senses its eternal quarry, it rides its demonic steed at the robot, in a blaze of winged glory and thrusts its blade deep into the innards of its foe€¦ in there is what it seeks€¦. It pulls out a washer, caught in its skeletal grasp and rubs it all over itself€¦.the ring is its own at last, he grasps it and thru€¦..
THE REST OF THIS FIGHT IS CONSIDERED TOO MATURE AND DOWNRIGHT WEIRD FOR PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 3000.
Suffice to say Ringwraith won and goes through to round 3!
Basket Ball vs. 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee
The guarantee isn€™t worth the paper it€™s printed on, and this round it appears to be printed on a jaffacake, making that metaphor true, yet void€¦ Anyways, the guarantee switches, the ball is now guaranteed€¦ to explode. For some unknown reason its used in the NBA and goes through to the final, the world€™s number one team is about to score€¦ the tall man runs€¦ his legs pumping€¦sweat dripping off him as he charges intently towards the hoop, his top flapping wildly as the ball pounds repeatedly against the floor, he sidesteps and twists around an opposing player, the net is so close he can feel it in the air€¦ the ball is picked up, gliding through the air€¦ spinning gently, the world slows to a stand still€¦ it hits the back board, bounces€¦ and€¦€¦€¦€¦â⠀šÂ¬Ã‚¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â ¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦â‚¬Â¦..drifts lightly through the air€¦and€¦€¦ suddenly metamorphoses into a irritable hungry komodo dragon. The great lizard snaps the bar, and hits the floor with a heavy thud. Its not in the best of moods€¦ the creature charges the players down, bites a few, giving them gangrenous wounds from which they will never fully recover, and eats a few minor celebrities watching from courtside, and in doing so made the world, albeit in a small way, a better place. However it€™s not to last, used to alligators in America after a while the pest control turn up, and in typical American fashion blast the poor animal apart with a shotgun.
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee advances to Round 3!
The Holy Bible vs. teapot
The vast might of god channelled and demonstrated through one book. However the teapot has one thing up its spout.
The teapot states that god cannot theoretically exist, if he was to as he is supposedly perfect then he would be unable to create imperfection, and as such, humanity, the devil and lots of other nasty stuff wouldn€™t exist.
The bible argues back that he is perfect he can create anything he wanted, and as such he would therefore be beyond sin.
However, if this was the case how can a being beyond good and evil comprehend what they are, and in which case how could he aptly judge whether someone is good or evil. Furthermore the only way he could know, as good and evil are purely opinion based would be to look into the general consensus of reality. Unfortunatly this would mean he was not all powerful, or, for that matter that much use at all, as this would result in a puppet god who claims to have created everything. Furthermore he would have known that sin would exist as he is all powerful, yet he couldn€™t stop it. Surely he would know what would happen all along so what was the point in this entire exercise. Besides, an act of god is the lamest possible excuse for anything, god loves you€¦ so he kills you, however, if he loves anyone then no one would go to hell no matter how sinful they are, in which case he would be lying and ergo not perfect. Additionally religion is just a lame construct for those off too little moral fibre and inner strength of will to be able to admit the fact that they are completely irrelevant, and in the grand scheme of things their existence will not actually matter in anyway.
This sends the bible into deep depression, it eventually gets left in a road and sunk through with rain water, and the pages stick together, then it gets used for toilet paper by a tramp, who by shear co-incidence was the new coming of Christ, however here was a mix up as to his father and he ended up for adoption. There probably was some relevance for this whole thing, but maybe someone just wanted an excuse to moan at religion.
The Teapot advances to Round 3!
Miles €˜Tails€™ Prower vs. Homer Simpson
Homer Simpson charges at his opponent€¦ Tails is carrying a large number of rings on him€™€¦.mmmm€¦.onion rings€¦..donut rings€¦ €¦. Arwwwwww€™ covers approximately his line of thought€¦. Tails lifts off, but Homer grabs onto his egs€¦.€™give me rings!€™ be bellows, Homer grabs the shiny golden rigns and sticks them into his mouth, pulling more and more out of the stricken fox, until eventually the little mammal collapsed in exhaustion, smacking the floor Homer survives due to amazing regenerative abilities, however poor tails is crushed beneath his large girth€¦
Homer Simpson Advances to Round 3!
Velociraptor vs. Intense Humming of Evil
The humming grows louder€¦louder.. its eerie screech sliding its dark tendrils into the soul€¦ horrible it drains the life from the Velociraptor, whose laws click against the floor in a vain attempt to catch on. Suddenly a man approached them both, they sound really good together, and are hired to do the backing for a soul band. Both are perplexed. Anyways to cut long story short the raptor works its way out of backing into the lead and eventually gets a successful career, however the humming sells out, and leaunches cheesy singles. It is then destroyed for crimes against the multiverse€¦ it collaborated with crazy frog.
Velociraptor advances to Round 3!
Jaina Solo vs. Sticky Popcorn Cinema Floor.
The jedi unsheathes her lightsaber, her force senses out around her, soemthign below her is disturbing the frce greatly, she trips to jump free but her feet are stuck and she trips forward and lands on her face, that too sticking to the ground. Dungeons and dragons the movie is playing on the screen and the films awfulness bores into her brain, she slams the force against the floor freeing her, and uses it to balance on a seat away from the floor. She pulls the projector out of place and it smashes on the floor, getting rid of one opponent, and then she uses her telepath to contact a local cleaning firm who remove the carpet and put a new one in, and thereby advancing her to Round 3!
Jaina Solo advances to Round 3!
Golden Monkey vs. Shiva
The golden monkey is the object of a quest again, he€™s sitting drinking a milkshake almost as big as he is, holding it in his paws, when suddeny the three eyed god of Indian myth appears. The monkey looks pissed off as his banana milkshake is now all over the floor. He summons the great might of his ancestors€¦ and flees as fast as his legs can carry him. Shiva follows, however gets distracted by a specsavers, who gives him laser surgery €˜for that sore looking third eye€™ he glimpses the monkey and tries to incinerate him with the eye, but realises that the eye doesn€™t do that anymore and goes home to sulk.
The Golden Monkey Advances to Round 3!
So, apologizing for the delay€¦.
Round 3:
Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus
Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker
Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly
Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey
Hopefully Doc Ocks shades will protect him against any attacks on his eyes, and he can use his tentacles to rip up Pussycat.
Not much Ringwraith can do against the Prof except try to parry his attacks and stab him.
Velociraptor will slash off Homer Simpsons remaining hair, and as he cries in horror, the raptor will slice off his limbs (he has no brain to attack, and those layers of fat will probably protect his torso).
THE WARS INCARNATE 2
ROUND 3
1) DICK DASTARDLY & MUTTLEY VS Pikachu
Dickll switch his gloves with rubber ones and simply pick Pikachu up. He therefore cant use his shock attacks and the small fry cant do anything once off the ground. Either throw him to the House Fighters or keep holding him in mid-air and feed him to Muttley. :proud:
2) A RANDOM DALEK VS The Wootinator
Blast his coffee cup with the Exterminator arm. Without his caffine, hell be left defenceless and ripe for a zapping. Failing that, just keep flying above him and frazzle with laser til dead.
3) A hippopotomous VS DR IVO ROBOTNIK
Ivos used to fighting and enslaving animals. Its his job. :proud: If able, use a portable Roboticiser on the beast and turn it into another mechanical worker for his army. Either that or simply scare it off with his egg breath. :proud:
4) A bouncy castle VS THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE
...erm...run over it, therefore letting out all the air inside it? :proud:
5) Ringwraith VS PROFESSOR VENGEANCE
Mordor magic is no match for my nicked Chaos Emerald. :proud: The only way to beat drama is with its reverse - humour; so set the cane to Tickle Ray, zap him and watch the big creep laugh himself into submission. Failing that, tell him where Frodo is, making him run after him and forfeit the match. :wink:
Superb randomness as ever, Alexio! Good to see youve not given up just yet. :)
Mara Jade vs Gothmog...might be time to use her beckon call and call in her ship...failing that, a bit of telekinesis and a lightsabor make interesting ideas possible.
As for Jaina and the golden monkey, if he brings his ancestors, now might be a good time to harness tempting the powers of the darkside...not many mammels could survive a blast of force lightning. One on one, she should be able to beat it before it gouges her damn eyes out.
And forward we march into round 3! I may have lost my slowness of tourny record but I attempt to regain it slowly, but surely, so behold ye of little faith.
Pussycat vs. Dr Octopus
The cat is feeling a bit laid back, so it opts for a more indifferent approach to the tournament, besides everyone knows cats hate water, and guess where octopus€™s live, he has to play it cool€¦
Dr Octopus wanders round the streets of Manhattan, wreaking destruction upon the weak, and so forth, he€™s off his rocker this guy, but nether the less he needs to find his opponent, and if possible, solve world power shortages in the process. He€™s the villain that just can€™t stop giving€¦ Anyways, he suddenly catches his claw on something€¦it appears to be made of chain mail€¦it€™s a bag. With his massively powerful arms he opens the bag€¦
The cat is out the bag and raking at Octopus€™s face with his claws, the villains is waving his arms but seems unable to see where he€™s hitting and ends up winding himself, the devil cat then tears the metal arms apart as if they were nothing and generally obliterates the entire structure, leaving just a rather chubby looking man€¦who subsequently gets dismembered unpleasantly, with one of his metal arms rammed up his posterior. The audience wince.
Pussycat goes through to Round 4!
Mug of Coffee vs. Ruff Ruff Dougal
The beverage is preparing an awesome end to this fight, it sits there biding its time, waiting to unleash a fury like no other upon its foe. It waits, and waits€¦ the cotton-clad anti-hero trundles forward likewise, ready to destroy the mug. The tension moutns to breaking point and then, with devastating accuracy, the mug splashes a few drops of coffee onto Ruff Ruff Dougal. This, despite being the most powerful attack the mug can muster is in fact, completely useless and pointless. It tries again, and the brown fluid is soaed up by the cotton. Realising this is perhaps the most easy possible fight he could have faced the small robotic dog just leaves it alone and goes of to see if he can find some hot aibo to play fetch with. The coffee goes cold, and then eventually curdles and is washed down the sink a few days later
Ruff Ruff Dougal goes through to Round 4!
Gothmog, Lord of the Balrogs vs. Mara Jade Skywalker
There is a start contrast in adversaries here, one is a giant demon from the darkest places of middle earth. The other is a human jedi€¦ the final contest between science fiction and fantasy can only be settled in one way - in a rather warped battle!
Tosave geeks everywhere from further argueing the point they are both permitted to use anything within their genre and so battle commences€¦
Gothmog rides in on a vast flaming unicorn, no one knows where he got such a thing from and according to the judges he can€™t just mak thigns up, so the unicorn disapparates and the fell lord hits his face off the ground hard. Not a good start. This isn€™t aided by the fact that Mara Jade seems to have somehow got hold of a selection of all the space ships she could handle, and above the dark creature Deep Space 9, Enterprise, the Death Star, A squadron of X-wings, Moya, Talyn, Babylon 5, a squadron of Romulan War Birds, A borg Cube and what could possibly be a Scarren Dreadnaught loom over the sky intermingled with a slection of other ships that no-one except extreme geeks could conceivably recognise. Gothmog waves his hand and several thousand black dragons leap into the sky, followed by griffons, wyverns, phoenix€™s, rocs, giant eagles and a selection of other various beasties. The resulting battle is rather spectacular - dragons tear down fighters and fighters tears down dragons and the giant windscreen wipers on the death stars windows have to work overtime wiping various Pegasus off the windows.
Mara Jade suddenly does a commando roll through a stragate that has materialised behind and lances out her lightsaber, however the vast flaming sword of the Balrog parries it and the two enter combat. Every single creature conceivable on either side is summoned and slain€¦wookies fight skeletons, Klingons battle dwarfs (at least for a while, until they settle it in a good hearted drinking contest) and Yoda fights Gandalf. They they hit upon an idea€¦they both simultaneously call upon€¦the Scarlet Witch€¦both magical and science fiction, she can change the universe, and because she is on the side of both, the just decides to send a wave of decimation across the battle field, and both sides lay on the floor and die€¦ What the Balrog didn€™t realise was that Mara Jade had just used the seven-days project to go back in time and replace herself with a clone. Mara Jade was infact sitting slurping martini in the audience, and therefore she beams as she advances to the next round.
Mara Jade goes through to Round 4!
Pikachu vs. Dick Dastardly and Muttly
The robot blasts a brilliant arc of lightening into Dastardly, but the characters powers extend to complete invulnerability, if not immunity to pain€¦he is completely blackened, and his special anti-pikachu gun disintegrates into a pile of ash. Muttly realises that with Dastardly at his side he will never get anywhere, and so proposes a team up with pikachu. Flying dog and electric rodent take to the skies, and rain down thunder upon Dick Dastardly, zapping at his feet until he runs off a cliff€¦
Pikachu and Muttly goes through to Round 4!
Still to come in Round 3!
Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey
Oh yee of little faith, behold....for here he have one an a half rounds of bone splinterign goodness....
Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek
Surrounded in a misty brown Halo, the dreaded Wootinator draws power from the caffeine that laces his blood like a dark magic. The Dael, cries shrilly as it rolls gradually towards it foe, however, with a single powerful blast it rips off the otuer shell of the thing, leaving it a disgusting look of devolved Blob. The coffee lances out again, tearing into it, however this only succeeds in making the Dalek unable to sleep, however, so much has been contained that the Dalek finds itself unable to rest, and after a few months its metabolism crashes, casuing the Dalek to explode in a shower of green goop.
Wootinator goes through to Round 4!
Samus Arran vs. A Duck
A strange electrical storm rages overhead, and then, with an incredibly clichd bolt of lightening the world goes black€¦Samus finds herself inside a game€¦but nt one she is familiar with, she€™s found herself in a perculiar inverted version of duck hunt! Unfortunatly for her she is in a giant duck costume and has neither the novelty of 3 dimesnions, or, unlike the duck would in her situation, flying, this makes her, quite literally, a sitting duck, for the small water dwelling avian who scoops its place in the next round with a blast of an all powerful shotgun.
Duck goes through to Round 4!
White Swan vs. A Mars Bar
The Force empowered swan flexes its wings, it has dyed its feathers Black, no one takes you seriously as an evil villain if you are white. It€™s terrifying screeches resonate through the heart of the Mars Corporation lawyers, however they have realised that infact the swan isn€™t recognised or licensed to Lucas arts in any way, and therefore shouldn€™t be wielding €˜The Force€™ or a €˜Lightsaber€™. Stripped of it€™s not-actually-sith powers the swan goes in and dives in at several, resulting in some broken arms amoung the lawyers before the swan is hauled away by court security, going to prison.
Mars Bar goes through to Round 4!
Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik
The hefty pachyderm charges forward with the intent of mauing the former Nobel-prize winner, however with his trademark Hippobotomus he halts it, they charge towards it and then€¦do things which aren€™t usually included in wholesome family entertainment. The Doctor is quite thankful that the wars Incarnate could never be considered wholesome, but anyway, there€™s no need to go into the details. A year later we have two happy parent hippos and and an endless horde of deadly cyborg hippos, now at the doctors command, he readies himself for the final round of concentration in battle as the Imperial March plays in the Backgrond€¦
Ivo Robotnik goes through to Round 4!
Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle
There seems to be no contest here, a single gesture reigns down meoterites in an unending fury from the heavens, each richochets off the castle, hitting the surroundings with devastating effect. Unlike its stone counterpart the bouncy castle doesn€™t fare so well and is torn to shreds in the hell-sent maelstrom.
Thomas goes through to Round 4!
Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith
Summoning up throbbing green energy into his hands he hurls a maelstrom towards his undead foe, but the wraith whirls its word in a high arc, deflecting it into darkness. The Professor€™s eyes gleam green, as chaos emerald energy throbs into a vast thick suit of gleaming green armour, his cane glows gentle, and the tow run at each other, hard steel sparks flying from the clash of weapons, but with one hand the Professor beats back his foe and then launches a flurry of small fire balls into the dry rags of his foe, bursting the dark sorceror into infernal flames. Even as the wraith tries to rush at his foe a small gesture from the professor seems to draw the remnants of the soul of the dark beast into himself, and his armour glows more brightly still€¦ The Professor is also readying himself as the final confrontations loom like a black tide upon the shore€¦
Prof. goes through to Round 4!
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot
The contracts of the guarantee doesn€™t actually cover costs of filming, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong, meaning that the teapot starts leaking ll over the carpet, this in turn isn€™t properly covered by the insurance, as I€˜m financing this entire tournament I pull the plug before the costs mount too high, s the teapot is disqualified.
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee goes through to Round 4!
Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Having seen Jurassic park Homer has a brilliant idea for defeating this - all he needs is a kitchen and a T-Rex. He lures it into the kitchen subtly, however when the T-rex doesn€™t show he gets worried, so he runs down to Moes to escape, the raptor follows him and burst through the door before eating Moe himself€¦ Unfortunatly Moe is considerably less than hygienic, and therefore to the bookies annoyance Homer goes through when the raptor collapses due to food poisoning.
Homer goes through to Round 4!
Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey
Once again an intrepid explorer goes off to search for the dimmable ape, however, much to everyones dismay the monkey usesthe time to play the stockmarket, become a billionaire and hire the Universes ten most evil supervillains to attack simultaneously - Jaina doesn€™t stand a chance as she is torn apart by Barney the dinosaur€¦.
Golden Monkey goes through to Round 4!
ROUND 4
Now thirteen remain, but we need eight€¦so the next two rounds see some extra nastiness€¦this first one is against some of my favourite characters from various places, picked specifically to splat each puny entrant, you will likely recognise many, but not all, so I€™ll explain. The three that last the shortest amount of time will be eliminated.
Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Duck vs. Articuno
Mars Bar vs. The Bride
Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh
Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Sandworms are the ginat sand dwelling worms from the Dune series, they are big enough to swallow entire ships and buildings whole. They are perhaps among the most dangerous organisms in the universe, although they can be killed - just not easily.
The cat runs screeching at the creature with several thousand teeth the the length of the cat - not pretty. The cat launches itself in a flurry of clawsslashing a deep would down the throat of the creature before being absorbed into is vast depths as the worms drops back down into the desert.
Time: 5.62 seconds
Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Nightcrawler is a member of the X-men, a group o mutant super-heroes dedicated to the mutant cause and understanding between humans and mutants. His ability is teleporting with a distinctive €˜BAMF€™ sound, and is an expert swordsman.
In a single instant a bluish purple haze billows from where nightrawler was just an instant before, and a sim9lar one reveals he form upon the robotic dog€™s back - a rapier plunges through the cotton back of dougal, piercing his batteries and then another €˜Bamf€™ dissipates above the robot as it detonates in a shower or comical shrapnel.
Time: 0.89 seconds
Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
The hugely powerful Jedi master, only one of a few to survive the great purge, and the person who got Vadar crippled. He is a master of the mind trick, and he is as subtle as he is powerful.
The first Jedi ever seen on screen moves slowly, his power is huge, and, with a single wave of his hands, he utters the immortal words €˜Take me to Alderan€™. Mara Jade tries to comply but she cannot find a way of doing so using primitive earth technology until she dies of hysteria two weeks later.
Time: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds
Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Dorfl, the golem from discworld is the only golem ever to be able to speak, and think for itself, it is completely immune to thunder (useful trait for an atheist on the discworld) and is strong enough to tear a troll in half.
The following battle will be recounted in audio form as the cameras weren€™t quite working.
€˜Pikachu!€™
€˜Piiii€¦..€™
€˜Crunch€™
Lets say that there was a big yellow smear on the floor for a while afterwards€¦
Time: 3.65 seconds
Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Roland is from Stephen King€™s dark tower series, he is a formidable opponent,his pair of revolvers vey quick to the draw, in each hand, and each could rupture any part of someone they wanted. Not someone to mess with.
With his gunslingers reflexes Roland blasts two bullets into the Wootinators canisters of coffee, sending a high pressure jet of scalding coffee into his eyes - before he has time to shield himself the third shot comes through his forehead, spreading it over quite a large area.
Time: 4.59 seconds
Duck vs. Articuno
Articuno is the legendary bird of ice, hugely powerful, and fast, and deadly. It is one of the most powerful of the little monsters in existence.
Suddenly a frigid blast of ice freezes the pond around the ducks little legs, preventing it from moving, a hail or well€¦hail€¦ bombards the ducks shreddinbg into it tearing it apart as it quacks with rage€¦
Time: 9.81 seconds
Mars Bar vs. The Bride
The Bride: samurai sword wielding heroine of Kill Bill, wears the famous yellow jump suit. And is very handy with a katana.
It takes a very short amount of time for the Bride to sever her way through the other lesser lawyers. However The head lawyers swings his briefcase and blocks the sword, an epic if perculiar battle ensues, which eventually results in the lawyer being beaten to a pulp with his own armoured briefcase.
Time: 46mins, 59.76 seconds
Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Prehaps the most powerful marvel superhero, he possesses near limitless strength due to the power cosmic, and furthermore travels near the speed of light in his fantastic surfboard.
The silver clad heroes hand glows a dark red as the power cosmic flows through it, and then, in a single devasting beam annihilates Robotnics entire complex, vanquishing the man very quickly indeed.
Time: 8.01 seconds
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
The tatty looking Englishman from the Hellblazer comics, or alternativly Keanu Reeves, depending on your view, he has a penchant for smoking and demon fighting.
Thomas roars an inferno into existence but Constantine block it with a holy charm, preventing it from harming him, then a single bottle coated in holywater arcs from his hand onto thomas€™s Face€¦blinding him, and taking the anti-crist spirit from him, then before he recovered Constantine fills his boiler with more holy water, preventing the beast from ever returning. Although this look a while it may put Thomas out of his depth from here on in€¦
Time: 1min, 46.23 seconds
Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
A sithi from the Memory, Sorrow and Thorn series by tad Williams, essentially a highly playful elf. Master of the bow, and a powerful scryer as ost of her race. Vulnerable to Iron.
The fight has barely begun before an arrow impacts through the porffesors cape, pinning him to a wall, unable to avoid theflurry of arrows that come. The magical armour just preserves him for a while€¦
Time: 23.45 seconds
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Odysseus, the cunning Greek commander of the Trojan war, and of the Oddesey, he possesses cunnng beyond hat of other men.
Just as his armour is about to give in Odyseus points that the guaranteee does not focus due ot clause 78.6 of its own statement. Therefore in this circumstance the guarantee does not actually exist per say.
In a blink of logic it hops out of existence.
Time: 2.67
Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Iorek Byrinson, the armoured bear from his dark materials, itnellignet, strong and covered in armour! What more could you wants.
Homer is mauled severely bfore he can complete the word €˜Doh€™ and has to go into hospital until the next episode, therefore not actually dying.
Time: 1.87seconds
Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh
Walker Boh, a druid from the Shannara series wields the druids fire along with various whiles. A powerful force during his lifetime€¦
The golden monkey is lanced with green druid fire and runs away burning, but doesn€™t get a chance to save itself properly.
Time: 12.45 seconds
Homer Simpson, 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee and Ruff Ruff Dougal are Eliminated!
Mara Jade: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds
Mars Bar:46mins, 59.76 seconds
Thomas the Tank Engine: 1min, 46.23 seconds
Proffesor Vengeance: 23.45 seconds
Golden Monkey: 12.45 seconds
Duck: 9.81 seconds
Ivo Robotnik: 8.01 seconds
Cat: 5.62 seconds
Wootinator :4.59 seconds
Pikachu: 3.65 seconds
Guarantee: 2.67 seconds
Homer Simpson: 1.87 seconds
Ruff Ruff Dougal: 0.89 seconds
ROUND 5
Now our merry band of survivors advance on to round 5, with some of the most dastardly nastiness imaginable: they will be paired off with existing characters of mine (and Kate€™s) own creation (or modification), and literally torn apart, the two that last the least amount of time go crashing from the tournament to leave our semi finallists. Have fun!
Pussycat vs. Sigmarian
Mara Jade vs. Sally the Battle hour Champion
Pikachu vs. George
Wootinator vs. Carlos and Miguel
Duck vs. The Squirrels
Mars Bar vs. The Party Animal
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The Tummy Bear
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk
thats good.
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
Woot! :proud::proud::proud:
Alex, you cant have read Going Postal, as Dorfl is no longer the only speaking Golem :p
I have but couldnt remember if they just still had slates or not..
Any sort of stats for Sally?
Good fights, woot for Mara lasting the longest :p
(Message edited by darkguru on January 05, 2006)
Ah, as its a matter of outlasting all the others, whatever the stats, survival is the key, Mara shall use her force ppower to hold a shield as long as she is able, and then she will use her lightsabre to defend herself for however many other precious days/hours/minutes/seconds she can hold out.
As Im so nice, and you probably wouldnt get it otherwise Ill give you some details of each of these foes before hand, which also saves me having to write it up again with the fights:
Sigmarian
A vast grey dragon, the largest dragon ever infact, 800m long with a wing span twice that, breathes a powerful blue fire and is capable of great feats of magic.
Sally the Battle hour Champion
The epitamny of fighting prowess, she has honed her body through the power of dance to the ultimate fighting machine, she can deflect any bullet with a stylish and serene movement and catch a blade in her unarmoured hand without harm. She spened most of her day, while not dancing, fighting a thirty armed robot designed to keep her occupied and not go off killing everyone.
George
George is a freak, an outcast of society, and for good reason: while on the surface he appears to be a huge spotty, ape like rugby player, in actually fact me is a dark creature made from living excrement, with the power to regenerate lost limbs, and infect other people with his horrific curse. He also has a mother: lets say her name is a pun upon Mother Ship and leave it at that.
Carlos and Miguel
The living epitamies (in their own eyes at least) of manliness their incredibly muscled and oiled torsos give impression that they are more than a little gay, as does their tendency to say things along the lines of Hahaha your torso is looking stunning today Miguel, would you like some oil rubbed into it Why thankyou Carlos, as does yours, and I will rub some in for you too - despite this they arent actually homosexual - they just relish the challenge to perefect their bodies and appreciate everythign each other say.
The Squirrels
The squirrels fight their eternal War against the ducks, for reasons never explained, their enitre species dedicated to the extintion of the water-fowl menace. They wear armour constructed from nuts and arent actually dangerous other in that there are millions of them.
The Party Animal
A small animal: like a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a badger, it dwells in parties, and is decidedly grumpy. It has long claws which it uses for burrowing and attacks people who try to steal its food.
Oaky Doak
Dark Lord of the Woods, he possesses churches and channels all the worship from them into himself. He controlls creatures of the forest under an iron fist and commands sniper-owls, the dwarf resistance movement and all others who dwell in Geddington Chase (the woods). He himself has a penchant for slaying the firstborn, and then flaying the secondborn.
In a change to advertised foe:
Popcorn Dragons
Theyre 3 inches high, dipedal green dragons, they are invisible to most peopel and practically indestructing: they eat maple syrup and where normal dragons fire a jet of fire, they fire out popcorn at scalding temperatures and ludicrous speeds. There are millions of them, and they wage an eternal war against the Webmaster and his Powerpoint sword.
Lord Doomforall
Needs little to no introduction, is more of less all powerful and channels the power of the rift to devastatign effect. In terms of power, think approximatly enough to hold a universe from collapsing in upon itself through force of will and your not quite there. Can travel through dimensions by himself, can move faster than the speed of light, survive effortlessly in a vaccuum and is more of less untouchable. Furthermore, weilds the rift staff, which can cut through as much or little as he wishes it too.
Razor-hawk
Start of with a female version of wolverine, now change it, so that instead of claws from the hands, thousands of spines extrude from her long arms and them unfold into razor edged feathers. Then add super human strength, dexterity and speed combiend with wolverines healings and your pretty much there. Oh and the feathers permit flight...
You would be a psychoanalysts dream come true, Mr Holt. :proud:
DR ROBOTNIK: Time to don the Angel Island Fireball Cannons and see if I can start the worlds biggest forest fire :proud:
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE: Since Thomas has been made out as Satan in disguise, unnaturally hot temperatures are no problem for him. Let him catch all the popcorn in his mouth, then fire it back right at them! :wink:
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE: Trust me to be drawn against God. :lame: This round is really about beating the clock and I know I wont have a chance against Alex (Magical villains. Urgh.), so my main plan is to fire up the Dimension Hopper and keep dashing between universes for as long as I can before he catches up with me :proud:
Cracking job as ever, mlord.
Revised tactics for Thomas (forgot Johnny Constantine exorcised him. Git. :lame:)
As a steam engine, Thomas is used to having extraordinary amounts of heat inside him, plus hes a massive chunk of living wrought iron, so the scalding popcorn will have little effect. :proud: The plan is to just try and either run them over, lure them into the firebox and roast them or call upon the other Sodor vehicles to gang up on them.
If its that big, then the cat can easily just claw through the eye socket and into the brain.
Against George, Pickachu will use his electricity to power up a cooling device, then throw it at him. Well, we all know what happens when the sh1t hits the fan:proud:
I think pikachus going to go through.
In another change to what was advertised, this round will not be based upon time, but each contestant will be scored upon how well they manage to deal with the opponent.
Now for the round that is numbered five, and dark terrors await the remaining champions, despite whatever they feel€¦this round will not serve many well€¦
Pussycat vs. Sigmarian
Mara Jade vs. Sally the Battle hour Champion
Pikachu vs. George
Wootinator vs. Carlos and Miguel
Duck vs. The Squirrels
Mars Bar vs. The Party Animal
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. Popcorn Dragons
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk
Pussycat vs. Sigmarian
The cat is back, stalking quietly through the shadows, the new arena is a giant bowl of stone, a huge ancient crater of dark menace long past. It€™s balck fur hiding it in the dappled light, and the cat glimpses a shape far above it whirling through the air, a vast vulture to the pain of others, circling until it deems it time to wait.
The cat saunters along, its adamant claws sheathed but tense, ready to be unleashed in an instant, then, finding a small alcove it ducks into it, preparing for the inevitable onslaught.
Far above, drifting through clouds flies the ancient beyond reckoning dragon known by the name of Sigmarian: last of the Grey dragons€¦ He is vast in size, his skin several inches thick of the darkest steely plate. Despite his terrible form, where his true might lies is within his mind: he possesses powers of precognitive, able to see alternate futures that could come to be. He sees in his dark reptilian eyes where the cat will emerge from, and folds his vast creased wigns against his armoured torso, he plummets to the ground. The down draft of his wings tears up the dry dusty soil beneath him, and his feet press deeply into the scrub€¦ His skin so tough as barely feels it. Suddenly, the cat launches itself off the cliff face that surrounds the arena floor and impacts the side of the huge dragon€™s horned head, hooking its adamant claws around the scales, and pressing into the softer scales around the ear hole, before tearing at the opening itself. Rending the flesh around the lobe the dragon thrashes madly to loosen the feline, who is hurled across the deep stone bowl, but lands on its feet, catching the rock in its adamant claws. A heavy beat down with Sigmarian€™s wings blasts the cat back again, as I yowls in frustration and leaps forward, but the unfortunate cat is caught in a blast of fiery rage from the precognitive dragon€™s maw, and is incinerated.
+100 points for survival time
+750 points for attack success
+200 for outsmarting
+400 points for aggression
Cat: 1450 points
Mara Jade vs. Sally the Battle hour Champion
Sally begins to warm up, her movements are fluid, each flowing int the next with amazing speed, her almost supernaturally thin form bending like a willow twig in the wind, matching away, as the Jedi leaps towards her with a huge burst of force expenditure. Sally whirls in serene balletic twist around the push, landing in a sharp angular pose. The Lightsaber buzzes into life in the hands of the Jedi, the force rippling through its movements€¦ The very slender girl spins around, and with unerring speed knocks the hands of the Jedi in such a way that they spin open, easily avoiding the comparatively clumsy thrust of the laser sword. Mara Jade gasps in pain as a perfectly balanced foot hits her beneath the chin, sending her soaring backwards, landing with catlike agility she recovers her poise. Sally draws her clarinet, and whirls in a sharp arc, the Jedi just dodges, but even so the movement just becomes a low swoop and the instrument cuts across tearing the hair of the Jedi. The Jedi€™s force augmented movement whirl with uncanny agility, but even so the flurry of blows preformed serenely knock her back to the floor once more, with heavy blows across the chest. Sally draws a long silk veil from her clothing, red in colour, with silver dashes, something is not right€¦and then as Sally whips it across Mara€™s chest she realises: the Silver dashes are razor sharp scales of metal and her chest is slashed across hundreds of times. A second view lashes across, and then within a twist wraps around her torso in an unerringly tight grip, Sally€™s dance becomes more violent, as she arc€™s backwards, slamming her foe onto her head behind her before lashing across her face with another veil. The blood loss is increasing and a final elegant slash brings Mara to the floor in a pool of blood.
+150 points for survival time
+200 points for successful defence
+100 points for aggression
+50 points for style
Cat: 1450 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Pikachu and Muttly vs. George
The new Dastardly duo prepare to attack their frankly stinking nemesis, Muttly picks Pikachu up into the air, ready to unleash an aerial bombardment of thunder into the Poo-boy. The electricity hits the disgusting creature, but does nothing, any similarly, Pikachu is unable to find such a fan as can be used for this circumstance.
The form of George stretches out, his arms writhing in there excrement filled hatred, it plucks the duo out of the air in a disgusting umber mush. It wraps tendrils of semi digested horror around them, their doom is imminent, they are gradually swallowed up by the devastating layer of grime, filling them with horror as they are metamorphosised into more of the same€¦
+150 points for aggression
+50 points for plan of attack
Cat: 1450 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Wootinator vs. Carlos and Miguel
The FRA€™s official fourth villain lines up against the pair, their heavily muscled torso€™s gleaming in the reflected light of the stadium as their oil doused bodies gleam. Then they begin to laugh heartily, noticing the decidedly unmuscled form of the Wootinator in the opposite corner.
Suddenly, quicker than he could have imagined Carlos and Miguel, dash forward, grabbing each arm, slam the Wootinator down onto a bench press, he tries to lift, but he realises each side is several tonnes worth of weight: he diffuses caffeine into his blood to help him, yet he still feels the muscles tear as the weight is gradually lifted. Carlos and Miguel look at each other surprised, and then move the Wootinator on, forcing him to do progressively harder and more suggestive exercises, he feels the muscles building within him, becoming taught to the point of ridicule. He feels the fire burning within him, as the caffeine fills his capillaries, his form bulking up with his super powered might, suddenly he looked up, as he realised he had no coffee left in his canisters. But as he rose he looked into the mirror of Carlos and Miguel€™s custom gym to see a completely unfamiliar figure. Ridiculously muscled, and with a dark skin, previously unknown, and then he realised his blood itself had become coffee, granting him near unlimited endurance and massive strength. Carlos and Miguel came to pat him on the back for transforming himself into such a being: but he twisted round with his new found cat like reflexes and blasted a jet of scalding coffee into the duo€™s chest from each wrist. This unfortunately just annoys them, and cleans of a few layers of what has essentially become flesh laquer. They proceed to beat him up a little before leaving him dazed outside their palatial mansion, surrounded by eerily familiar statues of heavily muscled male figures. The Wootinator is sickened and slightly embarrassed by these paragons of manliness and flees the arena.
+700 Self Improvement
+100 Attack
Cat: 1450 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Duck vs. The Squirrels
An eternal battle between enemies who can never be reconciled: ducks and squirrels rage an eternal war for domination over the planet. Behold for Pondweed Goosewing, prince amoung duck€™s stands before ye, and Lo€™, for he quacs with the thunder of a tempest, and yonder, Peepinjay Nutcatcher, prince of the squirrels stand ready for this last great duel, and behind each an armies of thousands stretch of into the horizons€¦
The squirrels leap forward with amazing speed, coating the ducks in a massive biting furry mass, squealing, the duck€™s take to the air dropping squirrels to the death, and in the centre of the battlefield, the princes royal of each nation do battle for their species. The duck pecks the squirrel sharply and suddenly causing the rodent to squeak in pain, but it grabs down on the head of the foe, grappling with its tree climbing claws, rending into the avian flesh. The duck squawks in anguish and throws its foe from it€™s back, and then lunges while its tree living opponent is off balance, however, the duck is knocked off course by a leaping red squirrel, impacting hard into its ribs, knocking the creature full on into the fray, where it is torn apart.
+300 Agression
Cat: 1450 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Mars Bar vs. The Party Animal
The Mars Lawyer€™s are stuck, they have no way to sue either of the joint creators of this beast, as it€™s an original creation. The only thing they seem to be able to do is throw the book at it, the heavy rule book impacting hard into the flank of the animal, knocking it off the face of one younger lawyer it had caught. Even as the creature jumps at the next creature the managing director of the Mars corporation sees the last Alternative - when he copyrighted the name, he got all uses of the word. Then he grabbed a bar of his chocolate and thrust it hard into the air, and a burning red aura surrounded him, even as another lawyer had his head torn off. But where the previously tubby Managing director had stood now stood an all together different figure: Mars: the Roman of War! His fierce face held a spear, and his form was covered in red stainined brass armour and a tall plumed helmet. He launched himself at the party animal, which had cornered several marketing directors in a corner, the party animal bellowed, and swiped down with its long claws, splintering the spear. Mars grapples the creaure under his arm, the claws deflecting off the thick plate armour, but suddenly it bucks him off, Mars materialises two more spears: one in each hand, and then they ignite in a divine fire which coruses their length. He whirs, but the creature is too fast, and it dives towards the remains of the New Years party, gorging itself upon them, and then, instead of the badger sized animal it had previously been it takes on bear like proportions€¦
The creature swings its claws further, fuelled by bestial rage and endurance increased by living in a habitat where Steps and S-Club 7 are part of the normal background noises. It pieces the incarnation of Mar€™s chest, before a powerful swipe slashes slams the helmeted head of the War god into the side of the Office.
Then, with little further ado the creature proceeds to gobble up the Mars Bar that begun this mess.
+200 for time
+100 For counter-attack
+100 for self improvement
Cat: 1450 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Mars Bars: 400 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Now the fight that you€™ve all been waiting for, including me, hence its reordering€¦
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
The two foes line up before each other, their might flowing through them in a dark wave of power. They stand still as stone, waiting for the first move. Then the professor thrusts his cane into the air, then along its length a thousand chaos emeralds flare into life, whiting out the area for an instant, before the professor is revealed, his form glowing with glowing mystic armour. His cape billows behind him in spectacular menace, the inside of it a deep wine red and the black satin sheen of the outside glinting in the pale light of the stadium, and still Doomforall remain still. He raises his hand to waist height, then shapes his hand is a cylinder, from between his fingers tendrils of smoke emerge, gently twisting in the breeze, twisting and spiralling in a column, as if inside a hidden tube, until they fill the form, and the rift staff is held in the hand. Even as the rift staff forms the slender jewel studded cane of the Professor illuminates with brilliant green light along its length, throbbing with unimaginable power. Doomforall stands steady, then, before normal eyes could comprehend the Professor whirls his staff in a figure of eight, arcing so quickly that it become a blur in his hands, blindingly fast it whirs until the area before him just seems to become to become a small green sun, throbbing with more energy than could be comprehended. Then suddenly a vast beam on unimaginable power blasts towards Doomforall impacting him full on in the chest, blasting him backwards through the air, his trench coat flailing in the air, he coils like a panther mid air, and lands on three splayed fingers and his hind legs, his clothing smouldering gently even as the rift staff seems to burn in its blackness still darker than previously. Even as he flips to his feet the Professor leaps forward with vast might, leaping thirty of so metres in a single bound, but before he reaches his dread foe the black staff impacts the ground, and around the lord a huge force wave blasting the surrounding s with a huge blast of force, the professor is hurled backwards before he reaches the ground, but twists in mid air and disapperates in a burst of red smoke, which coils and diffuses to nothingness in the place where he once was. Even as Doomforall spins round to see where his villainous foe has gone, the Professor drops down, his jacket tail flailing behind him , and he dices down with his cane, which forms a sword like field of translucent energy around its elegant form and dashes downwards, only as Doomforall whips round backhanded and parries the cane with the staff, blasting a shower of scarlet sparks across the air. Doomforall trench coat winds through the air in the ferocious flurry of the staff, leaving a dark throbbing buzz in its trail as the air it hits burns out of existence with the speed it moves. Yet hard parries from the Professor keep the dread Lord at bay, though the unrelenting fury of Doomforall€™s attacks doesn€™t give him time to attack back himself. But even as Vengeance twists around and attack his left hand leaves the cane and blasts a quick orb of electricity into the dread Lord. The Lord is stunned for an instant, allowing the Professor to blast a heavy telekinetic impact into the Lord, sending him hurtling backwards, sailing into a hard stone arena side, cracking and splintering the deep stone with a heavy thud. Doomforall drops forward onto his feet, and then whips his left hand down to his side, and then slashes across ahead of him, sending an arc of devastating orbs of writhing shadow towards his foe. The sword-cane whirs upwards deflecting the rift-orbs with ease, sending them burning into the sky and earth, continuing until they consume themselves.
Even as the deflection is still going on, Doomforall leaps forward with astounding force, his feet tucked beneath him, and the rift staff held down, and then pressed into the ground, he vaults off it, rolling over it, sending his feet into the chest of his foe, knocking him to the floor. He plunges the staff down, but Vengeance rolls to the side, the staff striking deep into the earth, while Vengeance twisted across, with his feet, catching Doomforall and tripping him over allowing the green aura sword-cane to be thrust up in full force through Doomforall€™s chest, and even as this happened the rift staff seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces of smoke and diffuse apart in the air. Vengeance hung there for a minute, the heavy form of the Lord rested upon the cane. The black orbs of Doomforall€™s eyes seemed to stare into Vengeances eyes for an instant, wrenching his soul, but more frightening, was the slight smile upon the face of the stricken Lord. With fear Vengeance channelled a powerful blast of energy down the length of the cane, and the area whited out, even as Doomforall€™s body was annihilated€¦
But even as the light subsided, where the Lord had been was a featureless figure of pure white light, the sword still protruding through it, the figure twisted its blank light face towards the Lord, and then an incredible heat crawled down the shimmering length of the cane, until Vengeance could no longer hold onto it, and he let go, clutching his burning hand, and gasping in pain, as his cane burnt from end to end out of existence, fizzling like the length of a sparkler. When it was gone the figure turned its attention once more to the figure of Vengeance, cradling his hand in pain. Then the aura around Doomforall began to throb, the light building in intensity, until suddenly the full power detonated from the form, his form suspended in the air, back wrenched back as far as it would go, hands outstretched and arms taught with power, as the full force of the cosmos was exuded from a single being, annihilating the Professor in the blink of an eye, and all the surroundings in an infinitesimal discharge of energy as every colour was blurred past in an amazing blur until the whole view was consumed in this and nothing could be seen. The matter and energy cleared, and where it had been stood a form of blackness, a sculpture of ash, crouched upon the floor. But even as onlookers stared in disbelief the ash seemed to mould in itself, the air seemed to be drawn into it and the surface seemed to writhe in torment, like a tempestuous ocean of flesh, until once more, a human form, in a tattered trench coat and scruffy other clothes kneeled and bent over, and then standing up, the face of Lord Doomforall looked coldly with his ebony eyes into the distance and the wraith like coils of smoke that formed the rift staff once more billowed from his hand in their long coils.
+21100 for aggression
+10000 for fatal blow
+780 for recovery
+800 for survival time
Professor Vengeance: 32680 points
Cat: 1450 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Mars Bars: 400 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Still coming:
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. Popcorn Dragons
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk
Prof. Vengeance has lost this.
And now, in a startling new way of working: I€™m actually going to get this round finished within a month of starting it!
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Man against nature, the ultimate battle in which there never really is a winner, for every tree cut down, more mice get into your house and gnaw up stuff in the loft, maintaining a strange misbalance whereby nature still comes out worse. But a dark woodland sprite from the deep past has emerged, a Dark God of the woods, his power is dark and menacing, and the time of Waning is over, and now his powers wax to a dark menace, and around him, the wood thickens, light doesn€™t reach the floor, and the menace surrounding the place grows.
Yet into the gloom strides a man in Red, his form compounding layers of thick metal plating onto his flesh - a man who believes technology to be the way forward. In his calloused hands he holds his latest invention - a rip blade, a serrated blade which generates reciprocating movements capable of shredding anything. The Master of Robotics charges into the dread tangle, hacking with the blade, dicing away vines, but the vines seem to come alive with dark magic, grasping the form of the Doctor, but he activates his power armour, and around him a thick layer of heavy armour grasps his form, and then with a buzzing sound spikes protrude and the whole form crackles with electricity, the vines spin backward, shrieking somehow in their dark form.
Robotnik wades in deeper through the vast thicket, his rip blade whirring in a wide arc, tearing through the vines, and then, a far cry from his appearance in public, he is far closer to a humanoid oak - dark strand of energy erupting from him and weaving into the surrounding forest. But even as he raises his rip blade to finish the dark lord of the woods vines lash out, and divide inside him, draining his bodily fluids with horrifying speed, leaving but a dry husk of Robotnik upon the floor€¦
+200 for Innovation
+150 for Aggression
+50 for survival time
Professor Vengeance: 32680 points
Cat: 1450 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Dr Robotnik 400 points
Mars Bars: 400 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. Popcorn Dragons
The former antichrist limber€™s up for this epic confrontation, coal fills his boiler and the great metal beast begins to accelerate along the rails, his great power churning up, and then he impacts a scouting trio of popcorn dragons, squelching their tiny forms in a shower of popcorn - or has he? The popcorn dragons have literally €˜popped€™ - a form of teleportation which leaves a few pieces of popcorn behind where they once where.
Then, all of a sudden the popcorn dragons are all over him, with a vast flurry of €˜pops€™ as they appear in existence, blasting Thomas with white hot jets of popcorn, singing the carpets in the carriages, worse still, the sweet popcorn gets stuck to the floor. This proves dangerous, as Thomas is forced to hire more cleaning staff to offset the lost costs of replacing carpet. Furthermroe the passengers are tormented by the indestructible little dragonss, it burns their flesh with jets of popcorn, and pop in and out of existence without stopping, making them a nuisance, but a permanent one. Even the armed guard Thomas hires are no avail, as sweet popcorn syrup clogs their weapons. Eventually Thomas finds it too expensive to be run, and shuts down. Engineers however extract his mechanical brain and implant it into a steam powered tank, which was, possessed by the spirit of a minor God: to be exact the god of Sloths and toenail clippings you find on the carpet, and therefore gains a small bit of his power back.
+100 for aggression
+300 for self improvement
+1000 for time
Professor Vengeance: 32680 points
Cat: 1450 points
Thomas the Tank Engine: 1400 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Dr Robotnik 400 points
Mars Bars: 400 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk
The golden monkey sits upon the pedestal in the centre of the really complex and heavily trapped temple complex, normally he would run away, but with super human senses, agility, practical invulnerability and a lot of sharp claws it probably wouldn€™t hold of razor-hawk for long. Therefore he€™s sitting in the trap and monster laden dungeon awaiting the battle, and he has one plan should she get through all of it.
Razor hawk glides on titanium wings through the temple, pit pall traps hold nothing for her, and the vast dinosaur that guards the first passage holds no problems for her, she drops upon its face and slashes deep in a dread attack, severing it jugular and letting its corpse slump lifelessly to the floor. She leaps across the deep ravine with the rickety bridge, her legs moving like springs and her metallic claws dig deep onto the rocks of the opposing face. As she moves down a passage a rumbling is heard behind her and she twists with inhuman speed, spines springing from every point along her arm, and them themselves unfurling into steel feathers, the boulder hits against them and impacts: splitting the boulder into a thousand pieces. The scent of the monkey is strong, in fact so strong, she whirls her wing-arm into the wall next to her and the monkey shrieks as it finds her creating her own entrance, as blades cut deep into rock. The monkey bolts for his last resort: a small burrow in the ground, however a single stomp from razor hawk caves in the entrance to the burrow and leaves the monkey with a limited supply of air€¦
+400 for defensive strategy
+50 for aggression
As such our final results are:
Professor Vengeance: 32680 points
Cat: 1450 points
Thomas the Tank Engine: 1400 points
Wootinator: 700 points
Mara Jade: 500 points
Golden monkey: 450 points
Dr Robotnik 400 points
Mars Bars: 400 points
Duck: 300 points
Pikachu: 200 points
Therefore we have to unfortunately say good by to duck and pikachu, as they are released into the wolf pit of losing (not a metaphor) and thus we continue onto the semi finals and round 6!
And now after these brutal elimination rounds we are back to the melees: here are the semi finals, where great legends will be wrought, and marmite will be spread very thinly. Only my whim stands between victory and utter failure!
Dr Robotnik vs. Wootinator
Professor Vengeance vs. Mars Bar
Cat vs. Thomas the Tank engine
Golden Monkey vs. Mara Jade
Dr robotnik
Professor vengeance
Thomas the tank engine
and Mara jade will win.
That darned Monkey has taken down two of my characters and has done neither by himself, the kid gloves are off, quick, brutal and bloody will be his death if Mara has to use the dark side to get the job done.
Incidentally: is this now the first tournament to be running in 3 different years?
And now mortals, behold, for I give unto ye the round that comes 6th€¦
Dr Robotnik vs. Wootinator
Two villains, only one winner, Robotnik€™s body writhes as he activates his technologies, his flesh is replaced by steel which coils before the eyes of the Wootinator, turning the former megalomaniac into almost unstoppable force. Even as he does so coffee enters directly into the veins of the Wootinator, his oiled body becoming brown as the coffee. Robotnik launches himself upon the Wootinator, trying to grab him, but his heavily oiled body is too slippery to grasp, and his taught coils of writhing steel grasp futile, their chords roll off pathetically, leaving smears of grease upon his fingers. The Wootinator whirls round and blasts Robotnik backward, and like spilled coffee on a keyboard, the results aren€™t pretty, and it€™ll be simpler to get a knew one, as his robotic coils short circuit and Robotnik is left for dead.
Wootinator Advances to the Final!
Professor Vengeance vs. Mars Bar
Vengeance whirls his cape dramatically, as the lawyers hunt him down, and throw legal precedents at him. To be honest he is slightly confused, you don€™t sue dark Lord€™s is doesn€™t work like that, Dark Lord€™s don€™t do legal procedure, that€™s mob-moss territory, and that€™s quite a few rungs down the dastardly hierarchy. While Vengeance throw rules regulations and the odd brief case at him, all bellowing him down, he is actually some what perturbed, they all look so intelligent and educated, and their suits are all smart. He suddenly realises that the lawyer aura is getting to him, he could match Lord Doomforall a load of whining lawyers are no match for him! He blasts a chaos beam into the nearest one hurling him into a pillar which he cracks, the body then slumps to the floor and collapses into dust. The lawyers begin to run, snorting legal jargon at each other, but the rays knock them all down, disintegrating their pathetic flesh. Then he picks up the mars bar, and eats it as only a Scotsman knows how: batters it and eats it whole.
Professor Vengeance Advances through to the final!
Cat vs. Thomas the Tank engine
The adamant claws extend out from between the soft pads of the cat, ready to deal with the former anti-christ, the claws protrude and rip into the iron panels on the side of the train. But the godly power surges along his new- tank-like form, warping it into something more reminiscent of his former glory, steel grinds and twists, and his form shifts with screeching beyond comparison. The new Thomas unloads an artillery shell from his rear mounted turret directly into the chest of the cat, it is slammed backwards into a brick wall, shattering t with feline rage. The cat twist down onto the floor, enraged with the fury that only a cat can have, its fur singed but its eyes glowing with red fury, and suddenly it is not the old cat that stands before it, but something even worse, it grows huge, to the size of a tiger, yet remains worse in that it is still most defiantly a cat - muscles twist with power beneath its singed form, its teeth extend into adamantium sabres, and the new vessel of the anti-Christ advances upon the old form. The artillery cannon blasts out again, bouncing off the cat harmlessly. The power of evil itself writhes beneath the skin of the creature, and a single swipe pierces through the steel of the tank, and guts it of its right tracks, incapacitating it utterly. Futily Thomas summons sloths and toenail clippings to attack the cat, but the sloths just drop from the sky and die from the impact with the ground. The cat shrugs and then precedes to lift its paw ready for the final blow, and suddenly notices a mouse run across the corner, it must have got in as Lord Doomforall never paid for maintenance, just construction, and its been around for ages. But more importantly, the cat feels no desire to catch it, and then in a sudden moment of fury, it realises that the anti-christ has been playing it, and was gradually owning his soul. Without further hesitating the cat coughs up a hairball in the most violent way possible, but instead of normal hair it is a small circular goblin like creature, covered in course hair, it squeals as loud as it possibly can but all the might of hell will not save it now as it is dismembered and presented to Frank. Meanwhile all its blood seeps into the cat, and its might absorbed. The last blow of the cats metal claws tears through the side of Thomas, pulling his still chugging steam engine out into the daylight.
Cat advances to the final!
Golden Monkey vs. Mara Jade
Mara flares her Lightsaber up, but realises that cursed monkey is fleeing as fast as it possibly can into the nearest forest. She pursues, with force speed, but everyone knows catching a small animal is just short of impossible and thus the small primate quickly becomes lost among the trees. The winds storm through the bows, and before Mara Jade emerges an entirely different being, the golden monkey glows, its aura brilliant against the gloomy forest, and suddenly a tribe attacks Mara Jade - their tools are no match for her Lightsaber, but eventually they just overwealm her with numbers, her body pierced with dozens of arrows, and she drops to the floor lifeless. The monkey actually discovered its purpose, it was a rather lame sun god, and thus it can command some people, and do some mild weather effects.
The golden Monkey advances to the Finals!
Finals:
Professor Vengeance vs. The Wootinator
Cat vs. Golden Monkey
Huzzah and hurrah! More divine surrealness from his Lordship. :)
SEMI-FINALS
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE VS The Wootinator
Battle of the Forum SuperVillains, eh? Well, the Wootinators come on a fair bit recently, but hes still the junior member of our little League of Evil. Set the cane to Freeze Ray and turn every caffine product AJ has into solid ice. Hell be an easy target when all he has to power him is cold coffee. :proud:
If for some reason this doesnt work, Ill summon a Starbucks lawyer with my Portable Teleporter and have him turn the Wootinator into a particularly evil coffee shop. Its what AJ wouldve wanted. :wink: