Wars Incarnate II: The Weird Effect

Oh yee of little faith, behold....for here he have one an a half rounds of bone splinterign goodness....

Wootinator vs. A Random Dalek

Surrounded in a misty brown Halo, the dreaded Wootinator draws power from the caffeine that laces his blood like a dark magic. The Dael, cries shrilly as it rolls gradually towards it foe, however, with a single powerful blast it rips off the otuer shell of the thing, leaving it a disgusting look of devolved Blob. The coffee lances out again, tearing into it, however this only succeeds in making the Dalek unable to sleep, however, so much has been contained that the Dalek finds itself unable to rest, and after a few months its metabolism crashes, casuing the Dalek to explode in a shower of green goop.

Wootinator goes through to Round 4!


Samus Arran vs. A Duck

A strange electrical storm rages overhead, and then, with an incredibly clichd bolt of lightening the world goes black€¦Samus finds herself inside a game€¦but nt one she is familiar with, she€™s found herself in a perculiar inverted version of duck hunt! Unfortunatly for her she is in a giant duck costume and has neither the novelty of 3 dimesnions, or, unlike the duck would in her situation, flying, this makes her, quite literally, a sitting duck, for the small water dwelling avian who scoops its place in the next round with a blast of an all powerful shotgun.

Duck goes through to Round 4!


White Swan vs. A Mars Bar

The Force empowered swan flexes its wings, it has dyed its feathers Black, no one takes you seriously as an evil villain if you are white. It€™s terrifying screeches resonate through the heart of the Mars Corporation lawyers, however they have realised that infact the swan isn€™t recognised or licensed to Lucas arts in any way, and therefore shouldn€™t be wielding €˜The Force€™ or a €˜Lightsaber€™. Stripped of it€™s not-actually-sith powers the swan goes in and dives in at several, resulting in some broken arms amoung the lawyers before the swan is hauled away by court security, going to prison.

Mars Bar goes through to Round 4!


Hippopotamus vs. Dr Ivo Robotnik

The hefty pachyderm charges forward with the intent of mauing the former Nobel-prize winner, however with his trademark Hippobotomus he halts it, they charge towards it and then€¦do things which aren€™t usually included in wholesome family entertainment. The Doctor is quite thankful that the wars Incarnate could never be considered wholesome, but anyway, there€™s no need to go into the details. A year later we have two happy parent hippos and and an endless horde of deadly cyborg hippos, now at the doctors command, he readies himself for the final round of concentration in battle as the Imperial March plays in the Backgrond€¦

Ivo Robotnik goes through to Round 4!


Thomas the Tank engine vs. Bouncy Castle

There seems to be no contest here, a single gesture reigns down meoterites in an unending fury from the heavens, each richochets off the castle, hitting the surroundings with devastating effect. Unlike its stone counterpart the bouncy castle doesn€™t fare so well and is torn to shreds in the hell-sent maelstrom.

Thomas goes through to Round 4!


Prof. Vengeance vs. Ringwraith

Summoning up throbbing green energy into his hands he hurls a maelstrom towards his undead foe, but the wraith whirls its word in a high arc, deflecting it into darkness. The Professor€™s eyes gleam green, as chaos emerald energy throbs into a vast thick suit of gleaming green armour, his cane glows gentle, and the tow run at each other, hard steel sparks flying from the clash of weapons, but with one hand the Professor beats back his foe and then launches a flurry of small fire balls into the dry rags of his foe, bursting the dark sorceror into infernal flames. Even as the wraith tries to rush at his foe a small gesture from the professor seems to draw the remnants of the soul of the dark beast into himself, and his armour glows more brightly still€¦ The Professor is also readying himself as the final confrontations loom like a black tide upon the shore€¦

Prof. goes through to Round 4!


100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. teapot

The contracts of the guarantee doesn€™t actually cover costs of filming, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong, meaning that the teapot starts leaking ll over the carpet, this in turn isn€™t properly covered by the insurance, as I€˜m financing this entire tournament I pull the plug before the costs mount too high, s the teapot is disqualified.

100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee goes through to Round 4!


Homer Simpson vs. a Velociraptor
Having seen Jurassic park Homer has a brilliant idea for defeating this - all he needs is a kitchen and a T-Rex. He lures it into the kitchen subtly, however when the T-rex doesn€™t show he gets worried, so he runs down to Moes to escape, the raptor follows him and burst through the door before eating Moe himself€¦ Unfortunatly Moe is considerably less than hygienic, and therefore to the bookies annoyance Homer goes through when the raptor collapses due to food poisoning.

Homer goes through to Round 4!


Jaina Solo vs. Golden Monkey

Once again an intrepid explorer goes off to search for the dimmable ape, however, much to everyones dismay the monkey usesthe time to play the stockmarket, become a billionaire and hire the Universes ten most evil supervillains to attack simultaneously - Jaina doesn€™t stand a chance as she is torn apart by Barney the dinosaur€¦.

Golden Monkey goes through to Round 4!

ROUND 4

Now thirteen remain, but we need eight€¦so the next two rounds see some extra nastiness€¦this first one is against some of my favourite characters from various places, picked specifically to splat each puny entrant, you will likely recognise many, but not all, so I€™ll explain. The three that last the shortest amount of time will be eliminated.




Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Duck vs. Articuno
Mars Bar vs. The Bride
Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh


Pussycat vs. A sandworm
Sandworms are the ginat sand dwelling worms from the Dune series, they are big enough to swallow entire ships and buildings whole. They are perhaps among the most dangerous organisms in the universe, although they can be killed - just not easily.

The cat runs screeching at the creature with several thousand teeth the the length of the cat - not pretty. The cat launches itself in a flurry of clawsslashing a deep would down the throat of the creature before being absorbed into is vast depths as the worms drops back down into the desert.

Time: 5.62 seconds

Ruff Ruff Dougal vs. Nightcrawler
Nightcrawler is a member of the X-men, a group o mutant super-heroes dedicated to the mutant cause and understanding between humans and mutants. His ability is teleporting with a distinctive €˜BAMF€™ sound, and is an expert swordsman.

In a single instant a bluish purple haze billows from where nightrawler was just an instant before, and a sim9lar one reveals he form upon the robotic dog€™s back - a rapier plunges through the cotton back of dougal, piercing his batteries and then another €˜Bamf€™ dissipates above the robot as it detonates in a shower or comical shrapnel.

Time: 0.89 seconds


Mara Jade vs. Obi Wan Kenobi
The hugely powerful Jedi master, only one of a few to survive the great purge, and the person who got Vadar crippled. He is a master of the mind trick, and he is as subtle as he is powerful.

The first Jedi ever seen on screen moves slowly, his power is huge, and, with a single wave of his hands, he utters the immortal words €˜Take me to Alderan€™. Mara Jade tries to comply but she cannot find a way of doing so using primitive earth technology until she dies of hysteria two weeks later.

Time: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds


Pikachu vs. Dorfl
Dorfl, the golem from discworld is the only golem ever to be able to speak, and think for itself, it is completely immune to thunder (useful trait for an atheist on the discworld) and is strong enough to tear a troll in half.

The following battle will be recounted in audio form as the cameras weren€™t quite working.
€˜Pikachu!€™
€˜Piiii€¦..€™
€˜Crunch€™
Lets say that there was a big yellow smear on the floor for a while afterwards€¦

Time: 3.65 seconds

Wootinator vs. Roland the Gunslinger
Roland is from Stephen King€™s dark tower series, he is a formidable opponent,his pair of revolvers vey quick to the draw, in each hand, and each could rupture any part of someone they wanted. Not someone to mess with.

With his gunslingers reflexes Roland blasts two bullets into the Wootinators canisters of coffee, sending a high pressure jet of scalding coffee into his eyes - before he has time to shield himself the third shot comes through his forehead, spreading it over quite a large area.

Time: 4.59 seconds

Duck vs. Articuno
Articuno is the legendary bird of ice, hugely powerful, and fast, and deadly. It is one of the most powerful of the little monsters in existence.

Suddenly a frigid blast of ice freezes the pond around the ducks little legs, preventing it from moving, a hail or well€¦hail€¦ bombards the ducks shreddinbg into it tearing it apart as it quacks with rage€¦

Time: 9.81 seconds


Mars Bar vs. The Bride
The Bride: samurai sword wielding heroine of Kill Bill, wears the famous yellow jump suit. And is very handy with a katana.

It takes a very short amount of time for the Bride to sever her way through the other lesser lawyers. However The head lawyers swings his briefcase and blocks the sword, an epic if perculiar battle ensues, which eventually results in the lawyer being beaten to a pulp with his own armoured briefcase.

Time: 46mins, 59.76 seconds

Ivo Robotnik vs. The Silver Surfer
Prehaps the most powerful marvel superhero, he possesses near limitless strength due to the power cosmic, and furthermore travels near the speed of light in his fantastic surfboard.

The silver clad heroes hand glows a dark red as the power cosmic flows through it, and then, in a single devasting beam annihilates Robotnics entire complex, vanquishing the man very quickly indeed.

Time: 8.01 seconds

Thomas the Tank Engine vs. John Constantine
The tatty looking Englishman from the Hellblazer comics, or alternativly Keanu Reeves, depending on your view, he has a penchant for smoking and demon fighting.

Thomas roars an inferno into existence but Constantine block it with a holy charm, preventing it from harming him, then a single bottle coated in holywater arcs from his hand onto thomas€™s Face€¦blinding him, and taking the anti-crist spirit from him, then before he recovered Constantine fills his boiler with more holy water, preventing the beast from ever returning. Although this look a while it may put Thomas out of his depth from here on in€¦

Time: 1min, 46.23 seconds

Prof. Vengeance vs. Aditu
A sithi from the Memory, Sorrow and Thorn series by tad Williams, essentially a highly playful elf. Master of the bow, and a powerful scryer as ost of her race. Vulnerable to Iron.

The fight has barely begun before an arrow impacts through the porffesors cape, pinning him to a wall, unable to avoid theflurry of arrows that come. The magical armour just preserves him for a while€¦

Time: 23.45 seconds


100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical guarantee vs. Odysseus
Odysseus, the cunning Greek commander of the Trojan war, and of the Oddesey, he possesses cunnng beyond hat of other men.

Just as his armour is about to give in Odyseus points that the guaranteee does not focus due ot clause 78.6 of its own statement. Therefore in this circumstance the guarantee does not actually exist per say.

In a blink of logic it hops out of existence.

Time: 2.67

Homer Simpson vs. Iorek Byrinson
Iorek Byrinson, the armoured bear from his dark materials, itnellignet, strong and covered in armour! What more could you wants.

Homer is mauled severely bfore he can complete the word €˜Doh€™ and has to go into hospital until the next episode, therefore not actually dying.
Time: 1.87seconds

Golden Monkey vs. Walker Boh
Walker Boh, a druid from the Shannara series wields the druids fire along with various whiles. A powerful force during his lifetime€¦

The golden monkey is lanced with green druid fire and runs away burning, but doesn€™t get a chance to save itself properly.

Time: 12.45 seconds

Homer Simpson, 100% Artificial Insecure Hypocritical Guarantee and Ruff Ruff Dougal are Eliminated!

Mara Jade: 2 weeks, 1 day, 7 hours, 45 mins, 39.02 seconds
Mars Bar:46mins, 59.76 seconds
Thomas the Tank Engine: 1min, 46.23 seconds
Proffesor Vengeance: 23.45 seconds
Golden Monkey: 12.45 seconds
Duck: 9.81 seconds
Ivo Robotnik: 8.01 seconds
Cat: 5.62 seconds
Wootinator :4.59 seconds
Pikachu: 3.65 seconds
Guarantee: 2.67 seconds
Homer Simpson: 1.87 seconds
Ruff Ruff Dougal: 0.89 seconds

ROUND 5

Now our merry band of survivors advance on to round 5, with some of the most dastardly nastiness imaginable: they will be paired off with existing characters of mine (and Kate€™s) own creation (or modification), and literally torn apart, the two that last the least amount of time go crashing from the tournament to leave our semi finallists. Have fun!

Pussycat vs. Sigmarian
Mara Jade vs. Sally the Battle hour Champion
Pikachu vs. George
Wootinator vs. Carlos and Miguel
Duck vs. The Squirrels
Mars Bar vs. The Party Animal
Ivo Robotnik vs. Oaky Doak
Thomas the Tank Engine vs. The Tummy Bear
Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall
Golden Monkey vs. Razor-hawk

thats good.

Prof. Vengeance vs. Lord Doomforall

Woot! :proud::proud::proud:

Alex, you cant have read Going Postal, as Dorfl is no longer the only speaking Golem :p

I have but couldnt remember if they just still had slates or not..

Any sort of stats for Sally?

Good fights, woot for Mara lasting the longest :p

(Message edited by darkguru on January 05, 2006)

Ah, as its a matter of outlasting all the others, whatever the stats, survival is the key, Mara shall use her force ppower to hold a shield as long as she is able, and then she will use her lightsabre to defend herself for however many other precious days/hours/minutes/seconds she can hold out.

As Im so nice, and you probably wouldnt get it otherwise Ill give you some details of each of these foes before hand, which also saves me having to write it up again with the fights:


Sigmarian
A vast grey dragon, the largest dragon ever infact, 800m long with a wing span twice that, breathes a powerful blue fire and is capable of great feats of magic.

Sally the Battle hour Champion
The epitamny of fighting prowess, she has honed her body through the power of dance to the ultimate fighting machine, she can deflect any bullet with a stylish and serene movement and catch a blade in her unarmoured hand without harm. She spened most of her day, while not dancing, fighting a thirty armed robot designed to keep her occupied and not go off killing everyone.

George
George is a freak, an outcast of society, and for good reason: while on the surface he appears to be a huge spotty, ape like rugby player, in actually fact me is a dark creature made from living excrement, with the power to regenerate lost limbs, and infect other people with his horrific curse. He also has a mother: lets say her name is a pun upon Mother Ship and leave it at that.

Carlos and Miguel
The living epitamies (in their own eyes at least) of manliness their incredibly muscled and oiled torsos give impression that they are more than a little gay, as does their tendency to say things along the lines of Hahaha your torso is looking stunning today Miguel, would you like some oil rubbed into it Why thankyou Carlos, as does yours, and I will rub some in for you too - despite this they arent actually homosexual - they just relish the challenge to perefect their bodies and appreciate everythign each other say.

The Squirrels
The squirrels fight their eternal War against the ducks, for reasons never explained, their enitre species dedicated to the extintion of the water-fowl menace. They wear armour constructed from nuts and arent actually dangerous other in that there are millions of them.

The Party Animal
A small animal: like a cross between a bear, a wolverine and a badger, it dwells in parties, and is decidedly grumpy. It has long claws which it uses for burrowing and attacks people who try to steal its food.

Oaky Doak
Dark Lord of the Woods, he possesses churches and channels all the worship from them into himself. He controlls creatures of the forest under an iron fist and commands sniper-owls, the dwarf resistance movement and all others who dwell in Geddington Chase (the woods). He himself has a penchant for slaying the firstborn, and then flaying the secondborn.

In a change to advertised foe:
Popcorn Dragons
Theyre 3 inches high, dipedal green dragons, they are invisible to most peopel and practically indestructing: they eat maple syrup and where normal dragons fire a jet of fire, they fire out popcorn at scalding temperatures and ludicrous speeds. There are millions of them, and they wage an eternal war against the Webmaster and his Powerpoint sword.

Lord Doomforall
Needs little to no introduction, is more of less all powerful and channels the power of the rift to devastatign effect. In terms of power, think approximatly enough to hold a universe from collapsing in upon itself through force of will and your not quite there. Can travel through dimensions by himself, can move faster than the speed of light, survive effortlessly in a vaccuum and is more of less untouchable. Furthermore, weilds the rift staff, which can cut through as much or little as he wishes it too.

Razor-hawk
Start of with a female version of wolverine, now change it, so that instead of claws from the hands, thousands of spines extrude from her long arms and them unfold into razor edged feathers. Then add super human strength, dexterity and speed combiend with wolverines healings and your pretty much there. Oh and the feathers permit flight...

You would be a psychoanalysts dream come true, Mr Holt. :proud:

DR ROBOTNIK: Time to don the Angel Island Fireball Cannons and see if I can start the worlds biggest forest fire :proud:
THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE: Since Thomas has been made out as Satan in disguise, unnaturally hot temperatures are no problem for him. Let him catch all the popcorn in his mouth, then fire it back right at them! :wink:
PROFESSOR VENGEANCE: Trust me to be drawn against God. :lame: This round is really about beating the clock and I know I wont have a chance against Alex (Magical villains. Urgh.), so my main plan is to fire up the Dimension Hopper and keep dashing between universes for as long as I can before he catches up with me :proud:

Cracking job as ever, mlord.

Revised tactics for Thomas (forgot Johnny Constantine exorcised him. Git. :lame:)

As a steam engine, Thomas is used to having extraordinary amounts of heat inside him, plus hes a massive chunk of living wrought iron, so the scalding popcorn will have little effect. :proud: The plan is to just try and either run them over, lure them into the firebox and roast them or call upon the other Sodor vehicles to gang up on them.