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Sorry, really been wanting to start this for a long time :proud:.
Obviously you decide what is accepatable. Use your judgement on whether it should be on a public forum or not.
This thread is just a test but I thought Id try it - Maybe people will like it!
alex
perphpas you should start us off then Alex
if i knew you that might be a joke in its self
I have a scottish joke
Q. Did u hear about the chameleon with a nervous breakdown?
A. Aye, it sat on a tartan rug!
I have a couple:
A bat returns to his cave, covered in blood and wounds.
The other bats get all excited.
They want to know what happened, so the battered bat says Fine, follow me.
The other bats follow the battered bat to the woods.
they go into the woods and stop at a tree.
The battered bat says Do you see the branch on the tree there?
The other bats say Yes!
The battered bat says Well i fricken didnt!
A man goes to a wizard, and he says to the wizard I need you to lift a curse off of me
The wizard says Ok, but i need you to tell me the exact words of the curse
Ok then The man says I now pronounce you Husband and Wife!
(Message edited by scorpion on November 06, 2008)
A man walks into a bar, sits down and picks up a minature piano and puts it up on the table. He also opens his bag and a 30 cm tall man jumps out!
The bartender is really suprised, but gladly asks the man.
Where did you get that from?
The man answers; I got a lamp with a spirit in it that grants wishes
Bartender; May I try it? The man nods and gives him the lamp
I wish I had lots of money!
Suddenly, its started to rain bunnies outside!
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the spirit dosent hear too well. Otherwise I wouldnt wish myself a 30 cm pianist..
young fella says to gran gran have you seen my pills! They were yellow and marked LSD!?
gran replies never mind the pills have you seen the Dragons in the kitchen
Ok then...
1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........youd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see youre nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnt find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldnt reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I cant feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you cant, Ive cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says Ill give you some cream to put on it.
12. Doc I cant stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Is it common?
Its not unusual.
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, Im going to have to put him down. What? Because
hes cross-eyed?
No, because hes really heavy
14. Guy goes into the doctors. Doc, Ive got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
Hows that?
Dont you start.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?
I said Sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it.
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. Its either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round. The other one says So are you, you fat *******!
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine. So that was nice.
22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, Ive hurt my arm in several places
The doctor said, Well dont go there anymore
23. Irelands worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Knock yourself out!
Alex
Knock, knock.
Who€™s there?
F...
F... who?
No, its €œf... whom?€Â
Allegedly by heard from Ronald Reagan:
Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend.
€œPoor Molly,€ said the first woman, looking down at the body, €œshe had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died and she married Johnny, who was even worse, giving her seven more children and not a penny of support. He was drunk all the time until he died too.
And now Mollie is gone, worked to death taking care of those 12 kids.€Â
€œWell, at least they are together at last.€ replied the second woman.
€œYou mean together in Heaven?€ asked the first woman. €œBut is Mollie together with Mike or with Johnny?€Â
€œI was referring to her legs.€Â
Knock Knock
Whos There?
Cows Go
Cows Go Who?
No silly, cows go moo!